Tuesday 25 October 2016

Me no speaky the lingo

Published 08/02/2013 | 06:00

My Nana had a perfect way to communicate with people who spoke a different language.

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She would speak VERY LOUDLY and verrry slooowly.

And then she'd get annoyed at the fact that these bloody foreigners still refused to understand her.

But now I can see where she was coming from.

A toxic combination of textese and the mangled language of shows like TOWIE and Made In Chelsea has given rise to a weird pidgin English that is virtually incomprehensible to anyone over the age of 25.

I earwigged on a conversation between a bunch of girls the other day (look, it's a hobby. don't judge me) and when one of them told a joke, one of the other girls, rather than laughing, simply went 'LOL'.

And she wasn't being ironic.

Then another blurted out that something was 'totes inappropes'.

I mean, OMG what's the world coming to when . . .

Oh God, now it's happening to me.

Come back Queen's English. All is forgiven.

Maybe they're missing the point?

I've never really understood why so many atheists seem to go out of their way to prove just how devout they are in their non-belief.

In fact, even though I'm not religious and have never believed in any God, that doesn't mean I am going to seek out people who happen to feel the same way.

I mean, I'm not going to start a club catering solely for people who are united by the fact that they don't like Marmite.

To be perfectly honest, what I believe in is far more important to me than what I don't believe in.

And a classic case of atheist group-think has started in south London.

An 'atheist church' has been set up which gathers every Sunday in, ironically, a former church, where they have a service.

The organisers say that is because these people "have shared values and like to come together on a Sunday to discuss those values".

So, a bunch of like-minded people gathering together on a Sunday to express their shared faith and discuss the issues of the day.

Wow – where did they ever get that idea from?

So, he's racist now, is he?

I'm no fan of former US presidential candidate John McCain (pictured).

Initially I thought he was more interesting than most senior Republicans but as the wheels came off his campaign the real McCain began to shine through.

Having said that, when you compare him to the likes of Sarah Palin, he is a political giant – who is now stuck in a controversy that is truly ridiculous even by American standards.

When Ahmadinejad said that he planned to go into space, McCain quipped: "Wasn't he there last week?" in relation to the Iranian claims that they had successfully put a monkey in space.

Cue immediate outrage from people who claim that McCain was being racist.

In fact, according to one outraged critic, McCain only made the comment because the Iranian nutter-in-chief "has dusky skin".

Now maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that people who loudly proclaim that they can see racism where there is obviously none are merely trying to convince themselves that they're not the racist themselves.

Stop it. Stop it now

I love food. In fact, I'd say that I probably even derive more pleasure from the process of actually cooking rather than eating.

And most of my mates are the same – once football, movies and music are dispensed with, the talk inevitably turns to matters gastronomic

It drives some of the lads, who see food as merely fuel, completely mad and I've lost count of the times one of them has started giving out about the 'food porn' he has to listen to.

But there are limits.

And the latest craze now is for people to go take pictures of their dish when they eat out and then post them on food blogs.

Look pal, I get it, you love your food.

But when you get to the stage where you start taking bloody pictures of your dinner, then it's time to have a long hard look at yourself.

Irish Independent

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