When you think of Microsoft, what immediately springs to mind? Is it questionable operating systems, massive monopolisation of the market, and Bill Gates' huge bank balance? Or is it that Microsoft is doing its best to turn us all gay.

The latter is certainly what Pastor Ken Hutcherson, a former NFL player with the Dallas Cowboys, reckons and he has a plan to stop this evil -- he wants to buy Microsoft.

Addressing a shareholders' meeting of the company, he warned them that: "They are nothing but a feather in God's wind. America was started with basically a tea party; and Goliath, if I'm not mistaken, was taken down by David. I'm going to go after the new Goliath with a little rock called a share."

Sadly, Hutcherson doesn't elaborate on what, exactly, the "homosexual agenda" actually is. Could it be secret plans to get us dressing a little better? Nefarious schemes to ensure that the new Sex And The City movie wins a load of Oscars?

Hutcherson's office boasts the heads of deer and elks and he says: "When I run into animals I kill them and then bring them home and eat them."

So, be afraid, all you agenda-pushing sodomites -- when you have a man as logical and charming as Hutcherson on your case, your evil plans are doomed. Doomed, I tells ya.

When the excuse is worse than the crime

Frankly, flashing is an absolutely ridiculous and offensive thing to do. And, after the first few times, it also gets quite boring.

But that will come as no consolation to Michael Carney, a 42-year-old factory worker who was up before the beak on seven counts of public indecency.

Ignoring the fact that the complaints spread from an incident when he was naked in his own house, and therefore should be allowed to do whatever he wants, Carney has come up with an incredible defence -- by claiming that his old chap is so puny that he would never dream of getting it out in public.

And, to help his case, his wife even took pictures of his little mouse and brought them into court.

"My small penis has always been an embarrassment to me and has even caused problems with my wife."

Jesus, dude. Just plead guilty. It's only a fine.

Provo Bebo, anyone?

Ban this internet filth now, who will protect our children, etc, etc, etc.

Being too old by about 10 years to have any interest in MySpace or Bebo or any of those sites (although the person who created a false mySpace page pretending to be me rather freaked me out), it's hard to get particularly energised by them.

But forget about the standard bullying we hear about -- the biggest bullies in the land are now running their own page. Fenians 4 Life is a page dedicated to the noble -- yawn -- cause of Irish freedom and, as they say, "we're willing to talk and prepared to fight".

And, like all message boards, the intellectual level of the page can be gleaned from the words left by visitors. So, along with the usual posturing and writing Tiochaidh Ar La in caps, we learn from one guy, Gary J, that "we shall not be moved. Sien Fein all the way" proving that he has as much of an heroic disregard for spelling as Bobby Sands did for his dinner.

And another genius, James Hickey, writes that: "Ireland only fought because they thought we would get back all of Ireland ... England only gave back 24 counties."

Only 24? Did I miss a history lesson or something?

Aw, the poor love is upset

You really have to feel sorry for the HSE's Maureen Cronin. Poor Maureen has a case of overly developed sensitivity -- a worrying epidemic in Ireland -- and she says that comments about the HSE being "bureaucratic" have left her feeling "hurt" because of the "offensive" comments. "I have no voice when I'm listening to The Late Late Show."

So, the next time a relative of yours is left to recover from chemo on a trolley in a corridor, or when a woman in your life discovers that the results of her mammogram have been screwed up, just stop feeling so sorry for yourself and spend a little time pondering the terrible case of Maureen Cronin, whose feelings are a little bit hurt by comments in the media.

And weep for her.

Morrissey - you're the one for me

Morrissey, for many people in their thirties, will always remain a God who must be worshipped at all times and at all costs.

But he does have a habit of stirring things up to a ridiculous level.

He's back in the news with his comments that he would never return to live in England because of the "immigration explosion" and complains that when he walks around Knightsbridge he doesn't hear an English accent.

He also pointed out in the NME interview that: "The change in England is so rapid compared to other countries. The British identity is attractive and amusing."

He's completely right, of course. But that hasn't stopped the usual crowd hopping up and down with righteous indignation.

According to the Love Music, Hate Racism campaign group: "There should be no room for irony or playing games when spouting words that could give confidence to racists and ultimately lead to racist attacks."

Well, let's be honest, if you have to be attacked by a group of people, you'd choose it to be by a bunch of irate Smiths fans.

They weren't exactly Aslan, after all.

- Ian O'Doherty