You have to feel sorry for Mohamed Bishr.
He has, in the last few years, been beaten up, spat at on the streets and when Saddam was in hiding following the fall of Iraq he was under constant threat of being kidnapped for the ransom. But now his tale of woe has taken a complete turn for the weird.
Last week, he claims a gang offered him a quarter of a million dollars to star in a porn movie acting as Hussein and when he refused they beat and kidnapped him and tried to force him to do it.
Eventually they released him and he told an Egyptian paper last week that: "Three men with guns forced me out of the car and into a van, before throwing me out."
Now, I was going to make the kind of snide, lazy and rude comments that have made this column universally reviled, but then something else struck me.
I know that porn has all sorts of niche markets and since the internet there is no kink left unturned.
But who in their right mind wants to watch Saddam Hussein in a porno?
I mean, maybe I'm getting more conservative in my old age but frankly, man, that's just plain wrong.
Now that's what you call dedication
I don't have an iPhone because iDon'tCare.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I know that they are super dooper and fantabulous and all of that.
But I am happy to admit that I am something of a technological Luddite.
It's not that I don't like it, per se.
No, it's more about the fact that I think it's all a bit overrated.
And, speaking as someone who still weeps at night about the demise of vinyl records, I guess I wouldn't be their target market -- although I was offered the last iPhone when it was launched.
But that would have involved going out to Swords on the night of the launch and, frankly, it all seemed too much hassle and I didn't bother.
The new iPhone is due to be launched next Friday and geeks, nerds and virgins everywhere are extremely excited.
Probably a little too excited.
From last Friday, groups of people have started to queue outside Apple's Regent Street store to make sure they are first in line when the product is unveiled.
I wonder why they are bothering?
After all, if you're prepared to queue for a week in your sleeping bag just to blag the latest phone then I imagine the chances are that you don't have any friends who are going to be ringing you on the phone anyway.
Make up your bloody minds!
So, now it's official.
White bread, the bugbear of dieticians for years, is actually good for you.
We've all been told that it is stodgy and full of starch and if you have a Tayto sandwich on two slices of Brennan's batch bread (one of the great joys of life -- but no butter, it makes it soggy on the crisps) then you will die and go to hell.
But now the so-called experts have changed their mind.
Honestly, it seems the health authorities who like to tell us what is good and what is bad just change their positions on a daily basis.
And that is why I pay them no mind.
Having said that, if they were to come out and say that the key to healthy living is lashings of fizzy beer along with a daily ration of barbecue ribs, then I might start to pay attention to them.
Just a thought.
Yup, that's appropriate
One of the coolest aspects of Blade Runner -- actually, everything about that masterpiece is cool, but bear with me -- was Edward James Olmos's sinister cop character 'Gaff' and the brilliant origami figures he made.
And now a man in America has nearly topped that with his novel way of paying a parking fine.
The fine was $137 so he spent days turning 137 dollars into little origami piglets.
Not surprisingly, he had to unfold them all before the clerk would accept them.
But it reminded me of the story from last year when a man in England was sent a fine for 50 quid for speeding and the police enclosed a photo of his car taken by the speed camera.
The smartarse responded by sending in a photo of a 50 pound note.
And their response?
They sent him a photo of an arrest warrant.
He paid the fine.
I hope he rots in hell
No jokes, no snarky comments.
The brilliant people at Dogs Trust have released images of what they claim a man pulling up to one of their shelters in Mercedes Benz and simply throwing his terrier over the fence, much to poor dog's extreme distress.
I deeply, genuinely and truly sincerely hope only bad things happen to that piece of dirt.
And let's hope Memphis (pictured) gets the home he deserves soon.
In fact, let's hope all the other doggies with this fine charity get the homes they deserve.
But seriously, what an absolute bastard.