There is currently a bit of a storm brewing in New Zealand after a primary-school teacher was busted -- as it were -- for appearing in a raunchy photo shoot for a local lads' magazine.

The 26 year old is, indeed, rather good looking, as this column learned after doing hours of assiduous picture research.

But it seems that the parents of kids who attend Rachel Whitwell's class aren't exactly best pleased.

In fact, some of these prudes -- I'm guessing the objections are coming from the mothers rather the dads -- are saying that it is entirely inappropriate for someone who is responsible for the educational and moral care of impressionable young minds to be getting their baps out for a 'gentleman's magazine'.

This is an unnecessarily harsh reaction.

After all, ISpy saw numerous naked pictures of one of our most beloved teachers and it never did us any harm.

Although the fact that we were educated in an all-male Christian Brothers school might have had something to do with it.

WELL, HE WAS HUNGRY AFTER ALL

When Sergei Gavrilov's mother refused to hand over her pension, he did what any self-respecting Russian alco would do -- he killed her, took her money and went on the lash again. And then things begin to get weird. When he had once more blown his way through all the cash, he returned home and realised that not only was he really hungry, there was no food in the house.

So he did the obvious thing -- he sliced up Mummy and ate her instead.

And while he was found guilty of murder, the judge refused to impose the full sentence because, as he put it: "Gavrilov was starving after drinking so much vodka and therefore he needed to eat."

During the trial, Gavrilov admitted making pasta and soup with the flesh. When asked for a comment, he replied: "I did not like the meat. It was much too fatty."

He kills his Ma and then complains that the meat was too fatty?

Honestly, everyone's a restaurant critic these days.

WELL, THAT'S ONE SOLUTION . . .

Do you have an 'amusing' ring tone? Are you one of those uncouth savages who lets their phone ring for as long as possible so everyone else on the bus can listen to how cool you are?

Well then, sir, you are a monster and should be immediately flogged.

This column wouldn't have much in common with the nutters who are currently running Somalia, but we gave them an appreciative nod the other day with the news that they have banned ring tones.

The local leaders have decided that Western-style ring tones are unIslamic and have issued a fatwa against anyone who uses them.

One man, who didn't want to be named, said: "I used to like listening to Indian songs as my ring tone.

"But they caught me and I got 25 lashes which I am still trying to recover from."

But, proving that they are not unwilling to compromise, the authorities said people could use the call to prayer as their ring tone instead.

And if you think this punishment is a bit harsh, ISpy has two words for you: 'Crazy Frog'.

There, now you see where they're coming from.

Is there life on Mars?

There are some of life's big questions which are simply unanswerable -- does my bum look big in this? Why are Jedward allowed to live and, of course, do aliens exist?

The notion of little green men has excited our imaginations for millennia and, if we are to believe the countless reports from people who say they have been visited by aliens, then we can learn at least two things: 1) as Bill Hicks pointed out, aliens seem to be obsessed with appearing to drunken American rednecks in the Deep South, which means that they are effectively culchies.

And what was the other one? Oh yeah, the second thing we can learn from abductees' testimony is that they seem to be completely obsessed with our arses, if the medical experiments are anything to go by.

But rational, clear-headed people have always dismissed rumours of alien encounters as the babblings of a mentaller, but it seems the tide may be changing.

Traditionally, the Vatican hasn't exactly been at the forefront of scientific exploration -- that whole unfortunate business with Galileo immediately springs to mind -- but now the Pope has given the green light for a Vatican conference on the possibility of intelligent life on other planets.

The news comes in the same week that Old Sour Kraut has announced that he is releasing an album for Christmas at the end of this month on Geffen records.

So, Benedict is exploring the possibility of aliens and he shares a record label with the likes of gangsta rapper Snoop Dog, Mary J Blige and Rufus Wainwright.

Now here's a phrase this column genuinely never thought it would use -- is this the coolest Pope of all time?

Okay, time to lie down in a darkened room and wait for the shock of that idea to pass.

DVD TIME

One of the finest bands of the 1980s, Talking Heads were always that little bit more cerebral than their counterparts. And the demented genius of front man David Byrne has never been as intoxicating as it was in Jonathan Demme's brilliant 1984 concert movie, Stop Making Sense.

From the moment Byrne arrives on a bare stage wearing his giant white suit and says: "I've got a tape I want to play" before going into 'Psycho Killer' you know you're in for something special.

BOOK WORM

Clive Barker's brain might not be a nice place to visit, but you certainly wouldn't want to live there. The Liverpool- born writer has been churning out exquisitely gross horror for decades and he shows no sign of stopping. For the perfect introduction, check out his Books Of Blood, which features such short stories as 'Night Train', where a New Yorker falls asleep on the subway, only to wake up at a station stop nobody ever leaves.

- Ian O'Doherty

Irish Independent