Tuesday 25 October 2016

Ian O'Doherty: Um, you sure about that?

Published 08/01/2013 | 06:00

I have to admit, I wouldn't be a huge fan of The Guardian.

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In fact, reading that paper is a bit like being stuck in an incredibly dull, incredibly right-on dinner party.

They pander to the usual, unthinking, anti-American, anti-Israeli, anti-Western sentiments of the intelligentsia while sneering at anyone who holds a contrary point of view.

Indeed, a mate of mine works there and some of the stories of how painfully PC the place is are completely laughable – although I do love how they apparently installed wigwams in the newsroom and called them 'think pods' where the writers could go to think Deep Thoughts before they filed their copy.

Here in Ireland we just refer to those 'think pods' as the pub.

But they really put their foot in it last Thursday when they ran a controversial piece about paedophilia.

They quoted one guy, Tom O'Carroll who said: "If the child enters the relationship voluntarily, if there is no coercion then there is no harm."

A controversial theory certainly – but it might have held more weight if this guy O'Carroll wasn't also the former head of the Paedophile Information Exchange group who has a criminal conviction for distributing indecent pictures of young children.

They might want to go to better sources for quotes in the future . . .

Perhaps a slight overreaction?

Kids are basically just tiny psychopaths who need careful mentoring and tutoring to teach them what is appropriate and what is verboten.

So I looked with some interest into the latest racist controversy in English football – and this time it involves a 10-year-old boy known only as 'Kai'.

Kai is, sadly for him, a Leeds fan and he went to Elland Road recently dressed as his favourite player, the appalling El Hadji Diouf.

Now, in order to make as good an impression as he could, the young lad did his hair in a distinctive Mohican as worn by his idol.

And just to go for a completely authentic look, he used his mother's make-up to black up.

As you can imagine, this has caused an absolute storm of criticism, with people accusing both father and son of disgraceful casual racism, despite the fact that the footballer was happy to pose for pictures with the lad.

But no matter what way you look at it or try to dress it up, this is child abuse.

Allowing your kid to like El Hadji Diouf?

I'd be straight on the phone to social services if I lived near that family, I can tell you.

Tastes like . . . napalm in the morning

As I've written before, I adore chillies and the hotter the better.

It's a frankly stupid love affair because I usually end up hunched over the kitchen sink, retching and crying, much to the wife's utter disgust and contempt.

So I was curious to see the strange tale of a doctor who has just become the first man to complete a curry with the ominous name of 'The Widower' in an Indian restaurant in Lincolnshire last Thursday.

The curry rates a whopping six million on the Scoville scale of chilli strength and it took Ian Rothwell more than an hour to finish.

During that period, he had to take a break and get some fresh air but had to return to the restaurant when he started to hallucinate from the heat.

The curry is made by chefs wearing protective gloves and goggles and you know what?

I really, really want to have one.

Pathetic, I know, but there you go – c'mon, people, a curry so fiendishly hot that it actually makes you hallucinate?

Sounds great.

Oh God. It's back

I really thought we were free of the burden of reality television for a few brief, merciful weeks.

But as usual, I was wrong.

Celebrity Big Brother started last Thursday and it features the usual cast of people you have never heard of and who have never heard of each other.

It's harmless enough, I suppose, but at least one of the contestants, Paula Hamilton, looks completely unhinged and you get the impression that her brain left the reservation a long, long time ago.

But what really caught my attention was the appearance of a Page 3 girl.

Now, the producers always have at least one piece of totty on offer (Georgia Salpa was the offering last year) but the name of this year's model?

Um – Lacey Banghard (pictured). And apparently it's all hers – even though you'd have sworn she borrowed it from a James Bond film

Well, they always looked menacing

I always wondered what Oompa Loompas did when Willy Wonka wasn't around. Would they wee into the chocolate river when he wasn't looking?

Because let's be honest, they were always a vaguely threatening bunch.

And now a 28-year-old in Norwich has been attacked by three men dressed as Oompa Loompas when he left his local.

That must have been an interesting statement he gave to the cops: "Well, they all had dyed green hair and their faces were a strange orange colour and they were wearing those strange stripy, hooded tops. No, officer, I am not taking the piss, look at my bruises!"

Irish Independent

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