Friday 28 October 2016

Ian O'Doherty: This is an outrage!

Published 08/11/2012 | 06:00

Myself and a couple of mates were corpsing ourselves with laughter yesterday.

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And the reason?

Well, we were discussing the truly great story about an apparent rift between a violent, criminal Traveller gang and the violent criminals of the Real IRA.

You may have seen it -- these Travellers were the primary pipe-bomb makers for RIRA and felt close to slain gang boss Alan Ryan.

Then, to their horror, they were snubbed at the party in Ryan's honour in the Submarine bar in Crumlin last Saturday.

The fact that a source described them as "being in a right huff" made the whole thing even funnier.

After all, if you're trying to establish yourself as a serious gangland menace, then behaving like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls is hardly the most awe-inspiring way to go about it.

But then one of my mates admitted that he had listened to the single that was released in Ryan's honour, 'The Ballad Of Alan Ryan'.

It was, my mate informed me, as unutterably shite as you could imagine.

Dear Lord, I said -- did you buy it?

He looked at me in a pitying way and said no, dumbass, I illegally downloaded it.

How very dare he!

Surely he knows that's a serious crime . . .

Because she's worth it . . .

It has always struck me that some people are smarter than the rest of us -- and good luck to them.

In the case of Rehab boss Angela Kerins, she works as hard as she does smart.

Apart from being one of Ireland's highest-paid charity bosses, she is also a busy little bee with several extra curricular activities -- as exclusively revealed in this paper on Monday.

In fact, when not doing a fine job running Rehab, she also sat on the board of three quangos -- as well as the now defunct Post Bank, An Post's disastrous attempt to get into banking.

She has received more than 200 grand for her time on these boards on top of the €234,000 salary -- plus company car -- she gets for her day job.

But in fairness to Kerins, she says that the extra monies she has received from her other nixers has been donated to "charitable causes".

Well, I'm a charitable cause, Angela, so feel free to drop me a few bob any time you want -- after all, it is taxpayers' money that funds you and I'm a taxpayer.

So it makes perfect sense.

Nice to see the gravy train pulling in . . .

Right, that's it! I am finally putting my foot down and saying enough is enough.

And what's the source of my ire?

Well, those fine men and women at the Revenue have been copping some flak this week.

They are having their Christmas party in the lovely Trocadero this year and it takes place during a working day.

But that's not an issue, because staff have been informed that they will still be officially logged as being on duty and therefore won't lose any money or time.

In fact, even people who aren't working that day but who go to the party will receive time off in lieu.

This has caused some consternation amongst my more mean-spirited colleagues, but I completely disagree.

After all, the Revenue is a fine organisation full of brilliant people and I really, really hope they have a great day out.

No really, come back, I'm serious . . .

Don't mess with this guy . . .

Ever heard of Fr Ray Hannon?

He's the Finglas priest who has had a rather colourful past which includes putting a death notice in the papers . . . for a dog.

But he's in the news this week for a different reason.

Back in the day, 1979 to be precise, his choir played with ABBA in Ireland, but the Swedish shysters never paid him.

So he put a curse on them and guess what?

The band broke up and Agnetha Fältskog promptly went mad and became a hermit.

According to the priest: "That's the curse of Fr Ray Hannon. Don't mess with me."

Well, I know one thing -- I wouldn't want to be one of his parishioners going to confession.

One can only imagine the kind of penances he hands out.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems he forgot about the whole Christian 'forgiveness' thing when it came to ABBA.

I'm a politician -- get me out of here!

Oh God, here we go again.

I'm a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here! returns soon to further pollute our screens with images of people who give has-beens a bad name chowing down on maggots and generally doing terrible things to the flora and fauna of Australia.

Rumoured to be among the participants this year is one Nadine Dorries, Tory MP.

But there was a brilliant item on Sky News yesterday when her constituency chairman was informed of this news. And he wasn't amused.

In fact, he thundered: "Well, if that's the case we're going to take a very dim view of it. She's meant to be in Westminster. I assumed she was in Westminster."

When it was pointed out that maybe she had just gone to Australia on holidays rather than to be on the show he simply sniffed: "She is meant to be in Westminster."

I'm guessing that's going to be a fun constituency meeting when she gets back, that's for sure.

Irish Independent

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