News Ian O'Doherty

Sunday 31 August 2014

Ian O'Doherty: The Yids are all right!

Published 13/11/2012 | 06:00

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I wrote recently about the Mark Clattenberg debacle and I referred to the 'Association of Black Lawyers' and how they had decided to go to the police and accuse the referee of racism.

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This was despite the fact that the people who made the complaint weren't even at the Chelsea-United game and had only seen it on television.

So, my mistake was in calling them the 'Association of Black Lawyers' when their actual moniker is the 'Society of Black Lawyers'.

And they are busy little black lawyers as well.

This time they are warning Spurs that they will take legal action against them if their fans continue to call themselves the 'Yid Army'.

The lawyers say this is racist and anti-Semitic, while the Spurs fans state that they have called themselves the Yid Army for more than 50 years.

The Spurs fans also point out that seeing as they do get a lot of anti-Semitic abuse (Arsenal fans have a particularly loathsome habit of making 'hissing' noises to sound like a gas chamber, for example) calling themselves Yids is owning the name. It's a bit like like gay people calling themselves 'queer'.

However, one prominent British Jew has questioned the Spurs habit of calling themselves Yids.

David Baddiel says that as a Jew he is 'uncomfortable' with the practice.

And the response to that from Spurs fans?

Well as one of them said: "He bloody supports Chelsea. Who cares what he thinks?"

Quite right.

The . . . bad words . . . are out there

He's an interesting character, is the scientist Brian Cox.

Not only has he charted a number-one hit with D:ream, but he also worked on the CERN project and, alongside Dara Ó Briain, seems to be on a rather fruitful quest to make science fun. Which it is.

But in his latest show about the workings of the universe he has come up against some rather interesting BBC bureaucracy.

A 'new' planet has been discovered by two amateur astronomers -- it doesn't get much cooler than that, does it? -- and the brainiac Cox wanted to train a radio telescope to the planet's co-ordinates to listen to the sounds it was emitting.

Anyone who has ever tuned into a radio telescope will know that far from being as quiet as a mausoleum, the universe is an incredibly noisy place and this would have been a bloody deadly experiment.

But the Beeb's compliancy unit -- a posh word for 'censors' -- put the kibosh on it because, and I kid you not: As it was going to be a live broadcast, they were worried about unexpected "inappropriate language".

Yeah, you finally make contact with an alien species, changing human history forever and a BBC jobsworth stops you from doing so because the alien might say 'shite'.

Methinks they might have been missing the point . . .

How dare she judge me!

I am sick of being judged as a bloke. I'm sick of being put into a pigeonhole as just another eejit whose only interests revolve around football, music, movies and booze.

And recently, Kelly Brook (pictured . . . in case you hadn't noticed) further stuck the boot into us blokes.

The model -- not renowned for her intellect, it has to be said -- says that her brains, or lack thereof, are irrelevant because: "I can distract men with my boobs."

This is an outrageous slur on all men everywhere and I just feel . . . um, what do I feel again, sorry what was I talking about. Wow, I seem to have totally lost my train of thought.

What was I talking about again?

Phillip Schofield -- ace reporter

If you could genetically engineer bland, then the chances are you would come up with something approaching TV presenter Phillip Schofield, who hosts This Morning on ITV.

That's not to say he is bland in a bad way, it's just that he is the epitome of polite, banal, middle-class Middle England.

David Cameron appeared on the show last Thursday and was presumably expecting the usual soft-soak treatment.

And boy was he wrong.

Discussing the sex-abuse scandal from that care home in North Wales that is rocking Britain at the moment, Schofield put it to the Prime Minister that the scandal even extended as high up as members of Thatcher's Government.

And how did he know that?

Well, said Schofield: "I spent a few minutes on the internet and came up with these names."

Oh. Well, as long as your doing due diligence in your research, Pip, that's all right.

Although Cameron collating being gay with paedophilia during the item was a spectacularly stupid thing to do.

That rarest of interviews -- where both parties come out looking bad.

You really sure about that?

I've always said that we should simply stop the profligate practice of foreign aid. It's simply social welfare on a global level and creates a culture of dependency.

Don't get me wrong, we've all made individual donations, but that's our choice. I just don't like seeing my taxes going to another country.

Now Britain is in the firing line after Friday's announcement that it is going to cut some of the £280m it sends to India.

This has been condemned by numerous charities who point out that millions of Indian kids live in poverty.

That may well be true, but when you consider that India has both a nuclear and a space programme, one could be forgiven for thinking they can afford to feed their own kids without looking to other countries to do it for them.

But maybe I'm just being racist.

Irish Independent

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