Ian O'Doherty: Oh no! The hippies are upset!
When you write a hugely popular and courageous and, dare I say it, incredibly sexy and macho column that is read by at least three people a day (in fairness, they're the libel lawyers who are actually paid to sift through the words, but hey, readers are readers) then you run the risk of offending the great and the good.
And PETA as well.
I've been accused of being a complete bloody bore when it comes to talking about animals but when PETA come into the equation they make me want to punch a puppy in the face just to spite them.
I wrote last week about their latest lame-brain publicity stunt and their guru, Ingrid Newkirk, wrote a rather angry letter complaining about it.
Now, normally, something like that would hardly even make it into the paper; after all, if you were to print every word a crank or a nutter wrote then that would take space away from this column, which is meant to meet the crank and nutter quotient. But thanks to the letters editor, who shall remain anonymous, the angry little missive made it in.
And, included in its demented dribblings were the lines: "We do not engage in activities in which anyone, human or otherwise, is injured."
Really?
How about the fact that members of the group have been involved with the ALF, a terrorist group that is as nutty as it is dangerous?
So, presumably as a peaceful animal lover, Newkirk is against such groups, even when they sometimes cross over? Um, not quite.
After an ALF offshoot group sent razor blades and threatening letters to animal researchers, she commented: "Hopefully, this will frighten them (the researchers) out of their jobs," while she also wrote: "ALF members burn down their emptied buildings and smash their vehicles to smithereens. Perhaps after reading this book you will find that you cannot blame them."
And one last point (and God knows there are many): PETA also helped to fund the legal costs of a guy who firebombed an animal research facility in Michigan.
OK PETA -- I await your response.
Wow -- what a nice guy
So, you know the drill. You're in a car (well, the back of a taxi, but the principle is the same) and you keep a close eye on the road around you.
After all, our roads are busier than ever and if you're not careful you'll end up in a fender bender and that will, at the very least, ruin your day.
So we all agree that we need to show some consideration to other drivers, don't we?
After all, having someone stop to let you pass and then giving you a friendly wave as you go by is the kind of random politeness that can make your day.
Or, on the other hand, you could be a bus driver.
Coming into work, late as usual, on Friday, the car I was in became stuck in traffic. No surprise there, I know, but it soon became clear that the reason for the length of Gardiner Street to be blocked was that a bus had decided to stop in the yellow box.
Now, I'm someone who doesn't drive but even an eejit like me knows that those yellow boxes are there for a reason other than decoration.
And so, when I politely informed the driver that he was blocking the entire lane and asked if he would move, he immediately held his hands up and moved, didn't he?
Actually, no.
Instead, he gave me the finger, told me to do something that would be anatomically impressive and then deliberately delayed his eventual move from the box.
Ah yes, it's nice to see the working people of the country sticking together at this time.
Smokers in good health shock
Okay class -- set your faces to stunned.
A survey conducted by Forest Ireland, the regional branch of the smokers' advocacy group has discovered that -- gasp -- most Irish smokers are actually happy to smoke.
And, even more heretically, they have also discovered that the people who engaged in the survey were perfectly healthy.
How about that for a truly shocking fact -- some people who smoke don't end up on a bed sucking out of an oxygen mask.
It certainly makes a nice change from the hysterical propaganda rolled out by anti-smoking groups who always remind me, as someone who doesn't really smoke any more, why I loved it in the first place.
Honestly, I might even take up smoking again -- just to spite ASH and their ilk.
Ok, sign me up right now
How do we get out of this mess? How do we solve our economic and social problems? You know, the whole horrible depression that has kicked in the entire western world?
Well, if you're the prospective mayor of Detroit the answer is simple -- legalise dope and turn a blind eye to prostitution.
He wants to turn the Motor City, which has fallen into complete disarray in the last few years, into America's Amsterdam and hopes that these new liberalised laws will encourage people to spend more money in the area.
Well, it all seems like a fine idea. But I know a few people who have lived in Detroit and they all say one thing -- dope and whores have never been difficult to get your hands on in Detroit so the new changes will be cosmetic at best.
Still, I know where I'm going on my next holiday. Just for research purposes, you understand.
He still doesn't get it, does he?
I know it happened earlier last week but frankly I was desperately trying to suppress the memory -- Bertie Ahern lecturing the Nigerians on how to efficiently run their financial system.
In fairness to the man, he may have a point.
I dealt with some Nigerian banks last year and all my money mysteriously disappeared, so they obviously aren't very professional . . .
- Ian O'Doherty
Irish Independent
