Ian O'Doherty: Of course, it makes perfect sense
Published 22/01/2013 | 06:00
Even by the standards of your average common or garden religion, Scientology is impressively mad.
Look, to be honest, all belief in the supernatural – be it Gods, ghosts or goblins – strikes me as rather absurd, but when you have a so-called 'faith' started by a fraudster who openly boasted about fooling the gullible into parting with their money then you know you've gone full bonkers mental.
So, we may as well enjoy the wild and crazy antics of those fun-loving Scientologists because I reckon they're probably going to be gone within our generation.
After all, when you look at some of their ideas (aliens, volcanoes, ancient nuclear bombs, and all that sort of stuff) it just seems utterly unsustainable.
But apart from the obvious daftness of their belief system the cult has been hit by a raft of defections from former members.
Now a new documentary about the group, featuring interviews with former members, is really putting the boot in.
But I was particularly tickled by the revelation that Tom Cruise allegedly signed a one-billion-year contract with Scientology.
Now, I know little Tom has a bit of a Messiah complex, but surely even for him signing a billion-year deal is a tad optimistic.
In fact, that's the maddest contract I've heard of since Newcastle gave Alan Pardew an eight-year deal.
Ah, you can just smell the class
Ah, young love in all its glory.
The fragrant and charming Jordan – whose full name, if you read the English tabloids, is apparently "Jordan, whose real name is Katie Price" has just got married.
She hooked up with some stripper dude and just a few weeks after breaking up with her previous fiancé, some Argentinian bloke whose name nobody can remember, the pair of them have tied the knot.
So why did they jump in so quickly?
Well, apparently the woman, who is more silicon and plastic than human, had consulted with a psychic who urged her to wed "as quickly as possible".
So class, let's walk our way through this one, shall we?
You have a madwoman with a bunch of kids from different fathers, who breaks up with her fiancé and marries a stranger within a few weeks, moving him into her home before the kids have got to know him.
When that happens, the social services are normally called in.
Still, I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing the newly married every happiness.
And just to make the whole wedding process even more elegant, her boob fell out of her wedding dress.
Just in time for the cameras.
I demand proof!
Okay, she might seem a bit odd.
I am referring to actress Jennifer Love Hewitt who has had a constant barrage of negative media coverage against her.
I just think she's bloody gorgeous. Not in a Sandra Bullock way (ah Sandy, one day you will respond to all my letters. Letters that were written in my own blood to prove my commitment to you), but in glorious defiance of the Hollywood aesthetic which decrees that all women must have the physique of a 13-year-old boy, JLH's curves and zaftig figure are delightfully refreshing.
And now she is apparently going to go fully naked for her latest American TV show.
Frankly, I will not believe this until I see the proof with my own eyes.
Preferably in High Definition and if they have some 3-D versions they would be nice as well.
Racism? Or just common sense
Really? Are you serious?
I am referring to the utterly artificial and manufactured outrage following the comments made by a Donegal Fianna Fáil councillor who has objected to a Traveller family of 13 being given a luxury five-bedroom home worth nearly a quarter of a million quid.
In the current climate it is simply insane to be handing free houses to Travellers but this is now considered to be 'racism' – a claim that is ethnographically ridiculous and false.
Even so, Traveller advocates have been busy banging their drum and accusing Sean McEniff of being a bigot and a racist.
In fact, the Donegal Travellers Project said that Travellers are "one of the most disadvantaged groups in our community".
Well, if being given a free gaff worth that much means that you're disadvantaged, then sign me up, I wouldn't mind a free house.
Welcome to Londonistan
Britain has been regarded as a soft touch by terrorists and extremists for decades – much to the frustration of European intelligence agencies.
But you reap what you sow.
A group called 'Muslim Patrol' is now roving the streets of London telling white, British women to cover up and assaulting any man they see drinking alcohol in what they describe as 'a Muslim area'.
I don't know about you, but I look forward to the day when they decide to bully some people – who happen to be members of the EDL (English Defence League).
Because I know who my money would be on . . .