Ian O'Doherty: Now that's what you call irony
I've never been to a fancy dress party and I have absolutely zero intention of changing that -- because dressing up just makes you look like a bit of a prat, to be honest.
That's why I always politely turn down any invitation I get to attend such a party.
Nope, no good can come from such things.
Just ask Letterkenny man Declan Sweeney who was up in front of the beak the other day and ordered to pay six grand in compensation to a guy he punched on a night out.
Sweeney was dressed as Captain America and became involved in an altercation that resulted in a man being assaulted.
Still, you have to admit that his garb would have made the investigation a bit easier: Can you identify the man who attacked you? Well, he was wearing a blue full body suit with American stripes across it, he had a giant mask covering his head and he was carrying a big shield.
Yup, I think that would narrow it down.
Interestingly, Sweeney could do with learning a bit from his day job -- he is a conflict resolution expert working for a human resources department.
A novel way of resolving conflict, I'm sure you'll admit.
Will they never let it go?
One of the few pleasures many of us have in life is the occasional cigarette.
I hardly smoke at all these days but most of my mates do and more power to them -- they are respectful of others, stand well away from the pub doors and merrily puff away.
In fact, one of the joys of a decent summer is about being able to go to a beer garden, order a pint and have a smoke at the same time without having to leave the premises.
But if the Tobacco Taliban have their way, even that small pleasure will soon be a thing of the past.
A new report has come out in a publication called 'Tobacco Control' (so you know that is entirely unbiased and not pushing any particular agenda, right?) which says that now that we have banned smoking inside pubs, it's time to extend that ban to their immediate vicinity to protect 'social smokers' from themselves.
The report concludes that many people who would not ordinarily have a fag do so with a beer and this, obviously, is A Very Bad Thing.
So, they want to make smoking areas more difficult to access, saying: "Such a policy would eliminate the current intersection between smoke-free spaces and create a physical barrier that, for some, would make accessing the smoking zone too difficult."
Have they nothing better to do with their time? Like, for instance, learning how to write comprehensible English?
Look people, for the last time, I have a compromise -- you stop driving your gas-guzzling, exhaust-fume-spewing car and I'll stop with the smokes.
After all, we all know which causes more environmental damage . . .
Really, do you think this will work?
Have you ever been to one of those Sea World-style places where they have dolphins doing tricks for tourists?
I was at one in Mexico a few years back and seeing bored, captive dolphins being forced to let fat Americans hitch a ride on their backs through the water was a thoroughly depressing experience.
So it was with some interest that I noted a new proposal to give cetaceans such as whales and dolphins their own brand of civil rights.
This proposed Bill Of Rights would effectively afford them the same rights we have as humans and the professor behind the proposal says: "Scientific evidence is now strong enough to support the claim that dolphins, like humans, are self-aware, intelligent beings with emotions and personalities."
There is just one potential snag to giving them parity of esteem with humans -- when contacted for a comment, dolphin spokesperson Flipper sneered that: "What, being seen as equal to you lot? Look mate, I've seen Tallafornia. Trust me, we are far more evolved than humans. After all, when did you last see a dolphin wearing a Liverpool jersey? My point is proven."
The smartest girl in the world?
It's important for young people to have positive role models.
Well, that's what we're always told, I always thought the idea of looking up to someone was a bit overrated -- no, it's far more fun to look down on people.
People like Holly Warren.
The 19-year-old Essex girl is in debt to the tune of nearly 10 grand -- and it's all TOWIE's fault.
She is a huge fan of the hideous 'reality' show and says that she has borrowed all this money so she can dress like them.
Now, I would have thought if you wanted to look like a TOWIE girl all you have to do is paint yourself orange and have a lobotomy, but no I was wrong.
Because according to her: "Me and my friends would watch the TOWIE girls on TV, with their expensive hair extensions, deep tans and arrivals at clubs in limos and (we'd) feel jealous."
Feeling jealous of one of those vacuous bottom feeders who, when all their intellects are combined, still couldn't form a half wit?
That is truly, genuinely sad.
Well, that hardly seems fair
So, here's the deal -- you're a convicted drunk driver and drug dealer. You get into your car on Christmas Day loaded on booze, painkillers and coke.
You crash into the back of a car and kill two innocent people.
You are sent to jail where you get plenty of time to reflect on your actions. Right?
Wrong.
David Belniak of Florida is serving 12 years following the crash -- and he is now suing the relatives of the people who died.
His sister is an attorney who is taking the case and they are suing to compensate for: "Pain and suffering, mental anguish, loss of capacity for the enjoyment of life and the medical bills he got as a result of the crash."
Well, let's keep an eye on this case and see how far he gets . . .
Irish Independent
