Ian O'Doherty: Hang on -- why wasn't I informed?
Yesterday was a bad day. Not because it was a Monday and we all know how we feel about Mondays.
No, yesterday saw Jeremy Clarkson cleared by OFCOM for jokingly suggesting that striking public-sector workers should be taken out and shot.
That remark sparked a deluge of complaints both to OFCOM and the police from people who were worried that Clarkson would become the leader of a death squad dedicated to hunting and killing public-sector workers.
It was all quite bizarre as people queued up to say that they were now in fear for their lives and at one stage it looked as if the broadcaster and writer could potentially face prosecution.
But now the broadcasting authority has issued a statement saying: "His comments were not made seriously and were not likely to encourage members of the public ... to act on them in any way."
What, you mean I wasn't meant to take his comments seriously?
Whoops.
I think I'm now going to have to move the bodies of all those civil servants I whacked the day Clarkson told me to.
Damn you, Jeremy!
Now there's a civic-minded person
Sadly, there are certain prohibitions against the type of person who is allowed serve as a juror and it would appear that I tick several of those boxes, which is a pity.
But it would appear that not all of us share my desire to serve our society.
Just take the case of Leeds woman Michelle Roberts who has been arrested and convicted of failing to turn up for jury duty.
In fact, she caused a serious sex-offences trial to collapse at a cost of £16,000 and left the presiding judge in a fury.
So, did she have a family emergency?
Was one of her children sick? Did she worry for the future of her job if she stayed on the jury panel any longer?
No, as she told the cops who turned up to find out why she wasn't in court: "I've been there for two weeks already and it's really boring so I don't want to go in any more."
When the cops said that it wasn't really up to her, she put her foot down and told them: "No. I already said it was really boring and you can't make me go."
Sadly, when she appeared in front of the judge to explain her absence, she slightly changed her story and told him that she didn't have any bus fare to make it to court and they were all being really mean to her.
Now, maybe I'm being a bit presumptuous here, but I kinda get the impression that any judge would actually be quite relieved that someone like that wasn't on a panel.
But you have to admire anyone who says to the cops: "No, it's really boring and I don't want to go."
You see, it's harsh but fair
If we're not careful, children will grow up to be independent, wilful and prone to having their own thoughts.
This, of course, is thoroughly unacceptable and should be stopped immediately.
No, we need to corral kids into thinking exactly what they should be thinking and we should be ever vigilant against children not being aware of the rules.
Kids like seven-year-old Elliot Dearlove (now that's what you call a cracking good name) who got into serious trouble at his school in Hull.
So, what was this pint-sized miscreant's appalling crime?
Well, he had the temerity to ask a black classmate if he was from Africa.
This was overheard by a teacher and Elliot was sent home from school with a form that his mother had to fill in.
The document was to contain both an apology for his initial question as well as an official admission from the mother that her son was racist.
She refused to sign it and the school eventually backed down.
But this is not a good thing.
After all, if we don't indoctrinate and brainwash our kids by the time they're seven or eight, then where will we be -- living in a world full of people who think for themselves?
Good Lord -- we certainly can't allow that to happen, can we?
Well, that's thoughtful
It seems the Whitney Houston story is becoming ever more tawdry.
Already we've heard reports that her daughter got high on the day of the funeral.
Meanwhile, footage emerged of Bobby Brown partying it up in a casino just hours after she was buried.
But it would appear that we have forgotten the real victims in this case -- the people who were staying at the Beverly Hilton the day that Houston died there.
In fact, many of the guests are demanding a refund.
The reason?
Well, all the cops and medical staff rushing to the hotel "completely ruined my stay", according to one of the guests and dozens of them are demanding to be reimbursed.
So, a woman, mother and global icon dies under tragic circumstances -- but damn it, I couldn't get decent room service for several hours.
I want my money back!
Wow -- they still don't get it
You know not to expect too much in the ould brain-cell department from some football fans, but the Celtic shower really took the biscuit over the weekend.
Seemingly unable to realise that if Rangers go under, then Celtic are also screwed, I was rather tickled by one Celtic fan holding up a tricolour with the letters 'HMRC' written on it.
Um, did nobody tell him that you really shouldn't be emblazoning a tricolour with the letters of an organisation that starts with 'Her Majesty' on it?
D'oh!
Irish Independent
