Ian O'Doherty

Friday 25 July 2014

Ian O'Doherty: Don't tase me, bro

Ian O'Doherty

Published 25/03/2010|05:00

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It hasn't been a good few weeks for the global-warming industry. In Britain, the 'Climate Change Museum' has been forced to change its name to the 'Climate Science Museum' and in Russia, the country's top climatologist has come out and said that: "The winter of 2009-10 was one of the most severe in the European part of Russia for more than 30 years and in Siberia it was perhaps the record-breaking coldest ever."

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And, as a result of all this contrary data, the global warming theorists are now threatening violence.

That's certainly the case with former Irish Times columnist John Gibbons who has come up with an interesting way to deal with people who ask him awkward questions -- electrocuting them.

After being hauled over the coals by expert debunker, the Irish documentary maker Phelim McAleer, Gibbons tweeted that he wants Apple to add a Taser to the iPhone so: "I could detect denialist bullshit and administer a powerful non-lethal shock to the bullshitter.

"I, for one, would be prepared to beta test this imaginary device on Phelim 'Mad Dog' McAleer, a towering right-wing mockumentary maker who was intellectually separated at birth from Sarah Palin."

Honestly -- what is it with Irish Times people?

Stay tuned next week, when Fintan O'Toole threatens to glass Kevin Myers for looking at his bleedin' bird.

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE IRISH ...

Do we actually have a real government or is the whole thing just some vast, Situationist prank at our expense?

That can be the only logical conclusion following this week's truly baffling reshuffling of the Cabinet.

And most baffling of all is surely the appointment of Mediocre Coughlan to post of 'Education and Skills'.

Having managed to distinguish herself as the single worst government minister of this Junta -- truly, some achievement -- Cowen has now put her in charge of our children's precious little minds.

Seriously, putting someone like Coughlan in charge of education is a bit like giving Helen Keller a job as a flight instructor.

AHA! WE WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG

Right, you readers of the female persuasion, listen up and listen up good -- man flu is real.

Yup, scientists in England have proved that men have developed a weaker immune system than women over the years due to the male propensity to live fast and die young.

This now means that when we get a case of the sniffles, we genuinely do feel it worse than women.

So, the next time you feel a slight chill coming on and you retire to the bed, don't listen to your missus moaning that you're nothing but a lazy, shallow, work-shy, idiot, good-for-nothing son of a bitch (that's actually Mrs ISpy's pet name for yours truly).

Because now you can point out that not only do you have a full-on man flu, you actually have a full-on scientifically proven man flu and if she knows what's good for her, she'll make you another sandwich because the last one she brought you had too much butter on it.

You can then also point her to the part of the study which points out that "the ability to mate while sick is even greater than the need to get better" before winking suggestively and suggesting she join you in the bed.

Let me know how you get on -- because you can be damn bloody sure I wouldn't have the balls to try it.

Irish Independent

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