Ian O'Doherty: Death to naughty whales
Wednesday March 10 2010
Frankly, ISpy didn't shed any tears for the death of Dawn Brancheau, the whale trainer killed by captive killer whale, Tilikum, in an aquarium in Florida the other week.
No, Tilikum had simply had enough of serving in bondage and had decided to fight back, and seeing as it wasn't the first time he had done this, it hardly came as a surprise.
So, what should be done with him now?
Conservation groups say that he should be released back into his natural environment, where he belongs.
But the American Family Association has an interesting solution -- they want the whale killed.
Why?
Well, according to these eminently reasonable folk: "Says the ancient code of Israel, 'when an ox gores a man or a woman to death, the ox shall be stoned and its flesh shall not be eaten'."
And this chapter from Exodus, they say, means that Tilikum shall immediately be killed.
Well, as long as they're being reasonable about it.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THIS?
An American woman has come under fire from lily-livered liberals.
Her great wheeze? She pays junkies to have hysterectomies.
Barbara Harris pays junkies €250 to become sterilised and some people say that this is an appalling case of social engineering and is exploiting the weak, vulnerable and addicted.
Frankly, we wouldn't stop at just junkies -- people who wear pyjamas, people who follow Liverpool, people from the country, people we don't like the look of... the whole lot of 'em.
Honestly -- come the revolution and the establishment of the Independent Republic of ISpy, a lot of changes are going to made around here, you can be sure of that.
IT'S HER RELIGION, INNIT?
In a political culture where all beliefs are now being held as equally valid and the eminently sensible philosophy of cultural objectivism is seen as being somehow imperialist and judgmental, it seems that any viewpoint, no matter how daft, is meant to be respected.
Which is where Janine Deeley comes in.
Ms Deeley went to her pharmacist in Sheffield and asked for her prescription for the morning-after pill to be filled out. You can imagine her surprise, however, when the woman behind the counter refused to comply because, she said, "the morning-after pill is against my religious beliefs".
Deeley was furious, the woman unmoved and, incredibly, The Royal Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain say she is well within her rights, saying: "The Code of Ethics and Standards does not require a pharmacist to provide a service that is contrary to their religious or moral beliefs."
At least they support their members -- ISpy recently tried to claim that we simply couldn't come into work last Saturday because it was against our ethical and moral beliefs to work on the true Sabbath.
That plan went south, however, when we couldn't even pronounce the word 'ethic', let alone invoke it.
You thought you had it bad?
This column would appreciate it if you all just took a minute and forgot about your own selfish, selfish worries -- mortgage repayments, food for the kids, that sorta thing -- and concentrate on something far more important. I am, of course, referring to the deeply upsetting row between Glenda Gilson and Rosanna Davison, two intellects which, if combined together, would barely make up a half-wit.
The two of them are apparently at loggerheads over their mutual affection for the diminutive, bearded multi-millionaire Johnny Ronan after he whisked Davison off to Marrakech for a spot of dinner. And it was, we are assured, all entirely platonic.
Now, two of the most annoying women in the country aren't speaking and, typically, Davison doesn't really care.
According to her: "I don't regret, I don't. I regret that people got involved and that obviously people got hurt but I don't regret the actual trip."
That shows a rather sketchy understanding of what the word 'regret' actually means, in fairness, but she then goes on to make a perfectly reasonable point: "It was totally a spur of the moment thing. It was Sunday afternoon drinking gone crazy. I think everyone does these things at some point."
Of course, she's right. After all, who hasn't gone to the pub on a Sunday to watch a match on Sky Sports and then decided to blow 60 grand on a private jet to Morocco?
In fact, it happened to ISpy only two weeks ago.
Although in our case, a Sunday afternoon of recklessly heavy drinking led to us waking up on the midnight mail train to Mullingar, not a private jet to Morocco.
Still, it's the principle that counts, eh?
DVD TIME
It may have inspired a whole slew of gross-out teen comedies in the 1990s, but what sets American Pie apart is the fact that it actually has a lot of heart -- as well as some wonderfully gross-out gags . . .
It may have inspired a whole slew of gross-out teen comedies in the 1990s, but what sets American Pie apart is the fact that it actually has a lot of heart -- as well as some wonderfully gross-out gags . . .
But even better, it features the great Eugene Levy and, even better, the Goddess that is Shannon Elizabeth, as a rather liberated Czech exchange student. Elizabeth is not only stunningly gorgeous -- I saw her once in the flesh and she is, frankly, a different bloody species to me -- but she has a filthy sense of humour and rescues dogs in her spare time.
Truly, the perfect woman.
ESSENTIAL SOUNDS
When ISpy was a lad, and beginning our first forays into music journalism, the shoe-gazing movement was at its height -- and the problem with that kind of spacey, ethereal music was the reviewers felt obliged to write as floridly as the music they were listening to.
One of the funniest examples of that came when a colleague in Hot Press -- he knows who he is -- once described Spiritualized's music as "giant shards of crystal falling on to a cathedral floor".
He may have been right, but never having heard giant shards of crystal falling to a cathedral floor, who can tell?
What is for sure, though, is that their '92 debut, Lazer Guided Melodies is a tripped-out cracker, as is '97's Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space.
Open your mind a bit . . .
Irish Independent
