Ian O'Doherty: By Jove! I think he's cracked it!
Published 06/12/2012 | 06:00
A friend of mine is always coming up with new ways to make a few quid.
He's one of those blokes blessed/cursed (depending on your frame of mind) with a totally hyperactive brain that quite simply won't give him a minute's peace.
The thing is . . . the thing is that his ideas are never actually any good.
For all his raw brilliance he is like a compass looking for true north (to quote the Stephen King short story The End Of The Whole Damn Thing) and has yet to find it.
Or maybe he has.
I was talking to him yesterday and he told me his latest idea – it's going to be either an app or a plug-in for your computer.
Having gone on a disastrous spending spree on eBay and Amazon the other night, he wants to install a timer and a breathalyser in your computer.
As he explains it: "Just think – after 9 every night, you have to blow into the computer to prove you're not locked, then it will let you go on to eBay. But if you're over the legal limit, then the computer shuts down and you can't buy anything."
He then stared ruefully into his pint and plaintively said: "That would have saved me a bloody fortune the other night. God, why did I buy five cookery books? I don't even like cooking."
Ah, the sound of silence
Much to the constant irritation of my friends and family, I am a complete flibbertigibbet.
Keys, phones, bags and books – all of these have been left behind in taxis, buses, pubs or just thrown out by mistake.
I'm sure a therapist would put it down to some subconscious desire to punish myself, but the truth is actually just that I'm a gobshite.
Now I've lost my phone charger and my mobile is completely dead.
And it's complete bliss.
I explained the peace and quiet I was enjoying to my wife and she laughed and pointed out: "Oh yeah, you are such an in-demand guy. Do you not remember that on your birthday a few weeks ago the only call you got to congratulate you was a text from your phone company?"
That's not entirely true.
My sister did ring me later that day. So I guess not having the mobile isn't such a big deal after all . . .
Well, are you nervous yet?Bad Santa?: Will the Government cancel Christmas?
Yup, today is going to be the day when the Government turns into Bad Santa and comes out to officially cancel Christmas.
Families are going to get it in the neck. The elderly are going to get it in the backside and I shudder to think what part of the anatomy the unemployed are going to get it.
Once again we are paying for the sins of others and there is a genuine sense of burning resentment amongst ordinary working people that yet again we're bearing the brunt for something we didn't do.
The idea of a Government being by the people, of the people and for the people has been replaced by the reality that this is merely an occupying regime working for the EU and the IMF.
But why don't we just go all Hunger Games and make a deal with Europe?
Every year we put our kids up for selection, Europe gets to take two of them and then leaves the rest of us alone.
C'mon people, it's time to start to start thinking outside the box!
And speaking of phones . . .
My, we do have a mobile phone theme going on today, don't we?
The second item is the fact that this week sees the 20th anniversary of the invention of texting.
I became sadly nostalgic when I was reading this story.
Do you remember the good old days before the English language had devolved to the electronic equivalent of a series of grunts and squawks: "OMG; LOL; WTF etc."
Although I do remember my boss being rather perplexed when he got a text from his son which signed off with: "LOL."
He misread the meaning and assumed his son was saying 'lots of love' rather than 'laugh out loud' and assumed his kid was going completely soft.
Honestly . . . parents today, eh?
Mmmm. Are you feeling hungry?
Perhaps the best part of Christmas Day is giving presents? No, not that.
What about watching the small faces of kids lighting up with joy at what Santy has brought them?
Nah, bugger that one.
Nope – it's the dinner, without a shadow of a doubt.
Although I must say that as someone with a savoury rather than a sweet tooth, desserts such as Christmas pudding never appeal to me.
But I noticed that a chipper in Ipswich is offering a Yuletide treat – deep-fried Christmas pudding.
Now I know that these things normally only occur in Scotland but . . . deep-fried Christmas pud?
That sound you can vaguely hear in the background are your arteries hardening at just the very thought of such an abomination.