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Sunday 21 September 2014

Ian O'Doherty: But then you'd have to be a parent...

Published 01/09/2010 | 05:00

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The EUSSR has become something of a dictatorship. One that's run by tens of thousands of faceless bureaucrats who spend their time in places like Brussels and Strasbourg deciding on the size of a banana, whether local produce which has been going for generation upon generation fits their health and safety guidelines (although in fairness to the French, they completely ignore the food-safety guidelines with a Gallic shrug and a 'non') and basically spending its time wasting ours.

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And now they want to tell you how to raise your kids.

An EU think-tank says that children's TV should be banned because it "restricts intellectual development and leads to negative development".

Now, we all know that you shouldn't just plonk your kid in front of the telly for hours on end -- but do you really want someone in Europe dictating how much time your kid spends watching Dora the Explorer?

Hot chicks for Allah

From being America's Public Enemy Number One, Muammar Gaddafi has become something of a joke.

He's had so much plastic surgery on his face that he now resembles a doll that some naughty child has put in the microwave, and his statements have become increasingly odd. In fact, I believe the technical term is 'mad'.

But he has started an interesting new ploy to get people interested in Islam -- hosting large parties full of beautiful Italian women.

He threw a 'Convert To Islam' party in Rome on Monday -- and invited 300 'hostesses' to attend so that he could try and persuade them of the advantages of converting to Allah.

Italian critics have slammed the event -- and Berlusconi for allowing it to happen, while one newspaper criticised the Libyan looper for his "senile vanities".

But in fairness to Gadaffi, you just know there is a method to his madness -- after all, Paradise is running out of virgins for suicide bombers, so they need to convert as many hot chicks as they can.

Wasn't she deported?

Out of some perverse desire to make me divorce her, Mrs iSpy insists on watching Ultimate Big Brother, simply saying that if I know what's good for me I'll shut up and let her watch it in peace without screaming obscenities at the telly and throwing things around the room.

So, it is with great regret I can inform you that illegal Zimbabwean alien Makosi is back in the house.

She is quite possibly the most loathsome contestant of all time. The first woman to have sex on camera and then go running to the producers looking for birth control, she also likes to bang on about how much of a Christian she is and how she's revered in Africa -- which is a bit rich seeing as she was nearly lynched in Zimbabwe after her on-screen frolics.

But riddle me this: the self-confessed prostitute arrived in Britain on a temporary visa to work as a nursing assistant, not as a hooker and a game-show contestant, so why hasn't she been sent back to Mugabe and his ilk?

In fact, while we're at it -- why don't we just deport all of the contestants and anyone who watches the show, including, in fact, my own wife?

(I'm only being brave because she's away today and won't get to see this.)

Um, a slight irony, anyone?

The Irish 'artistic' community is always good for a laugh, particularly the laughable group of fools like Aosdana, a bunch of incompetent hacks who need government subsidies because their own innate lack of saleable talent ensures that if they had to rely on popular success, they would starve.

Smug, self-satisfied and completely isolated from the realities of the world, these politically illiterate gobshites have now released a petition -- always the first resort for the feeble-minded -- protesting against Eason's and RTE for allowing Tony Blair to plug his book.

Blair is due to appear on the Late Late on Friday night, assuming that Ryan Tubridy has recovered from being physically assaulted the other day (a man looking suspiciously like Ian Dempsey was seen fleeing the scene of the crime, according to reports made up by me) and such artistic and cultural luminaries as Margaretta D'Arcy (yawn) and Raymond Deane (double yawn) want his book tour pulled.

Okay, maybe it's just me -- but does anyone else see the irony of a bunch of so-called artists calling for the censorship of a book by a bloke they don't like?

Honestly, don't they have better things to do with their time?

Actually, come to think of it, if they didn't spend all their free time concentrating on things that don't concern them, they'd probably be foisting more of their artistic musings on the rest of us, so maybe we should be grateful for their protest.

Ian Spied

Book Worm

He's better known for his truly astonishing series of 'Burke' novels, a searing collection of books about the kind of avenging angel you never want to meet, but Andrew Vachss has a thoroughly rewarding sideline of non-Burke related fiction.

And one of the finest is Two Trains Running, a vivid and evocative account of corruption, gangsterism and violence in a small town in 1959. Rival gangs, from Irish hoodlums used to political control to emerging neo-Nazis, battle it out for supremacy.

Sample quote: "You're a black pimp. That's okay. But I gotta figure out what comes first -- being black or being a pimp."

DVD Time

Forget the inferior American re-make, you need to see the original Spanish version of Rec. A young TV reporter and her crew manage to sneak into a building that has been sealed off by authorities -- for good reason.

While inside, she uncovers some horrifying secrets -- but can she get the news out to the world?

Irish Independent

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