Ian O'Doherty: Aw bless. I think that's so sweet
In these dire times, we all need something to cheer us up.
You know exactly what I mean, a story that makes you forget about your problems, however briefly, and gives you a good old-fashioned case of the warm and fuzzies.
It's these little vignettes that make life bearable, so I am delighted to be able to bring you the true love story of Swedish couple Isakin Jonsson and Michelle Gustafson.
The couple are due to get married and this has caused a massive amount of interest in their native country.
And the reason?
Well, let's just say that they are a rather unconventional couple -- he is a cannibal killer and she is a Satan-worshiping, self-confessed 'vampire' who has also murdered someone. And they are both in a secure psychiatric ward.
But that hasn't stopped the course of true love and they have proudly announced their engagement.
It truly is a lovely, charming story but it does beg one question -- if he is a cannibal and she is a Satanist vampire, what way are they going to raise their kids?
After all, everyone knows mixed marriages are the most difficult.
Oh no. Say it ain't so!
This column comes to you in a state of shock today.
And you'll probably be in a state of shock when you read this, so brace yourself.
It has emerged that . . . not everything that's written on the internet or Twitter is factually correct.
This bombshell came in the wake of the Gary Speed inquest which saw online rumours about the footballer being thoroughly squashed.
As you probably know, the world and his wife were aware of the blogosphere claiming that Speed killed himself because he was a) gay; b) having an affair and c) about to be exposed by a tabloid for either being gay or having an affair. Or maybe both at the same time.
This pressure, the online experts claimed, was the reason why he took his life.
And now that the inquest has totally rubbished all these vile, malicious rumours, his brother-in-law, Anthony Haylock, has come out and said: "So, Gary Speed wasn't gay, wasn't having an affair and wasn't facing tabloid exposure. Nice work Twitter."
What has the world come to when you can't even believe everything you read online?
Does that really mean that, contrary to what some websites have claimed, I'm not actually a paedophile after all and nor do I enjoy inappropriate relations with goats?
Phew.
That comes as a relief.
The smartest criminal ever?
If you're going to commit a crime, then you need to take certain precautions.
You must, for example, have a proper getaway planned; you must have a schedule drawn up so you know exactly what you're doing and when you're doing it and, perhaps most obviously, you need to have a proper disguise or a mask to conceal your identity.
Sadly, for Deon 'Mad Dog' Hulse, none of the above applied to him.
Hulse and his associates decided to rob some metal market stalls in Walsall when they were approached by local cops.
Our hero's mates promptly did one and legged it away but he was too slow and was immediately apprehended and arrested.
So far, so normal -- another dumb criminal gets busted thanks to his own stupidity.
But this is where the disguise bit comes in.
You see, Hulse actually has a skull tattooed onto his face.
He has already appeared on such high-class TV shows as The Jeremy Kyle Show, boasting about his unusual tattoo and is a minor celebrity in his home town.
But you have to wonder about the brains of his accomplices: "Right, we're going to do this job quick and we're going to do it discreetly. We'll be in and out before anyone even notices and we'll do it under the radar. We just need one more man for the job. I know! We'll get that dude off the telly with a big feckin' skull tattooed on to his face."
Of course. It's the obvious thing to do
Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary cops an awful lot of flak. And, believe it or not, sometimes it's not even his fault.
Even his Late Late performance was slammed in some quarters despite the fact that he was funny, honest and completely up front with people. Indeed, if he was a politician we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
But it seems if he was ever to enter politics he definitely won't be getting a vote from one individual.
Anyone watching the Everton/Man City game the other night would have been gobsmacked to see a man run on to the pitch and handcuff himself to the goal post.
Was he protesting about the club's transfer policy? Their negative tactics?
Um, not quite.
He was protesting because his daughter didn't get a job at Ryanair.
Really?
If the rumours of working conditions at Ryanair are anything to go by, you might be forgiven for thinking he would have had a better reason to protest if she had got the job.
It's harsh but it's fair
A company in Norway is coming under fire after it emerged that they have introduced an interesting new policy -- alarms go off if they spend more than eight minutes in the toilet.
Management say this is to boost productivity while the union say putting a limit on the amount of time someone can spend in the loo is a gross violation of their privacy.
They should count themselves lucky.
Here in the Indo there are no toilets at all and if we want to go to the loo we have to submit a written application in triplicate.
And even then we're usually just told to hold it in until the shift is over.
Irish Independent
