I will literally explode if I hear you use that word again...
Friday October 09 2009
The word is just so, like, y'know, whatever. Yup, it will come as no huge surprise that the word 'whatever' has been voted the most annoying word in the English language.
The poll, conducted in America, discovered that 47pc of all Americans find it to be the phrase that most sets their teeth on edge.
And they're right.
There are few things in life more guaranteed to have you reaching for the machete than some spotty oik turning their back on you, and tossing a contemptuous 'whatever' -- usually elongated and pronounced 'whateverrrr' in some daft accent.
It's the complete scorn imbued in the word which makes it so bloody irritating, but when you stop and think about language and the way it's misused on a constant basis, there is no shortage of annoying buzz words.
Personally, the one which really bugs the hell out of me is the misuse of the world 'literally'.
And for some strange reason, footballers and pundits are particular offenders.
If you were to play a drinking game where you down a shot every time some football analyst misuses 'literally'm you'd need to have your stomach pumped out before the final whistle.
Recently, we've been treated to such as gems as "Stevie Gerrard is literally on fire out there today", giving the impression that the Scouse captain is running around the field in flames like some athletic Tibetan monk protesting in their own unique way.
And, of course, we had the classic Jamie Redknappism of: "The Chelsea back four were literally asleep in the box during that corner" giving the impression that John Terry -- or 'JT' as people annoyingly refer to him -- had decided that it was a nice time for a little nap.
And it's not just footballers.
In an early review of the forthcoming adaptation of Cormac McCarthy book, The Road, (and if you haven't read it yet, drop this paper, as soon as you get to the end of this piece, obviously, and run to the nearest bookstore to buy. It's one of the greatest books I have ever read) one reviewer, raving about the movie, declares that: "I was literally blown away by the film."
It made me want to hunt down the reviewer and shake him. Hard.
But the misuse of words is everywhere, including newspapers.
Thus we see some young actresses routinely referred to as 'starlets'.
Actually, 'starlet' was the term used for young actresses in Hollywood who were not averse to using the old method of the casting couch to get ahead in the game. So, it's unlikely that any of the young actresses described as such would take it as much of a compliment.
In fact, they'd probably be reaching for their lawyer on speed dial.
Likewise, 'fulsome', as in 'fulsome praise'.
It's usually meant as a compliment, and you often hear of someone speaking at a funeral and showering the deceased with 'fulsome praise'.
Which, when you consider that 'fulsome' is actually defined as "unpleasantly and excessively suave or ingratiating in manner or speech" you can understand why the relatives of the dead person would be rather less than impressed.
A quick straw poll in the office -- frankly, that bit of research was so uncharacteristic that I had to go and have a lie down for a little while -- threw up a vast array of words and expressions which drive the hacks mad; proving that we really are a cranky bunch.
Do your teeth start to itch when people refer to the economic toilet we're in as 'a perfect storm' of bad circumstances?
Do you want to get all smashy-smashy when someone refers to a pub as a 'watering hole' and a restaurant as an 'eaterie'?
Or how about 'like' as in "like, y'know, it was sooo awesome"?
In fact, the strange thing about this ongoing destruction of language, to paraphrase George Orwell, is that as words become mangled, people's accents have started to merge.
I predicted years ago that given the number of American and Australian programmes we watch, within a generation or two everyone would speak in the same, convoluted tones and you'd be hard pressed to tell which country they came from, let alone which county.
But at least they would be consistent in the sense that they would all be happily mangling the language.
So, we have a situation where people ask 'you know what I mean?' The answer is -- well, if I don't, I'll ask you.
This colonisation of our language by Americanisms finds root most irritatingly in the phrase 'soccer moms', as it is applied to middle class Irish women who drive their kids to sporting events.
Look, for the last time, people -- it's not 'soccer', it's football and there are no 'Moms' in Ireland; there are plenty of 'Mums', 'Mas' and 'Mammys'. There are no Moms -- it's an appalling phrase.
Although at least when using that phrase they're not using the even worse 'yummy mummy'.
Bizarrely, that's a sobriquet which some women seem happy to take on themselves, despite the fact that it automatically makes you want to throttle the person.
Of course, you would need to finish your open sandwich first.
How can a sandwich be open? That just means the person making it hasn't bothered to put the top slice of bread on properly.
So folks, can we just start using the language a bit more carefully?
Because these mistakes are ubiquitous, and they're literally bloody everywhere.
Irish Independent
