Human rights for monkeys? It’s bananas
Monkey business: Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes was certainly human, but should she have human rights?
Monday May 26 2008
Matthew is 28, facing an uncertain future and has had a troubled life of fear, kidnap and humiliation. And, as Matthew faces into an uncertain future, he has decided to take his case to the European Court Of Human Rights in an effort to finally achieve justice for himself.
And what sort of justice does he want? Well, Matthew is a chimpanzee, you see, and he -- or rather his carer -- wants him granted full yooman rites so she can adopt him.
The chimp is currently housed in an Austrian zoo which faces the possibility of bankruptcy and, as a result, animal rights activists have taken Matthew's case to the courts to ascertain his humanity.
It's a fantastically mad story, of course, but the fact that the court has even agreed to hear the case as opposed to simply going "No, he's a chimp. Go away you crazy woman" shows just how ridiculous The European Court Of Human Rights really is.
That's not to say I'm being chimpist, of course, as discrimination against anyone on the basis of race, skin colour, accent, hair colour, taste in music, body shape, sexual orientation or, indeed, species is now a hanging offence in polite society.
And, of course, I am aware of the scientific revelation that we share 99.99991pc of our DNA with chimps. Or something like that, I wasn't really paying attention.
But the implications of Matthew being declared human are certainly interesting. After all, our schools are already full to the point of bursting and seeing as our Constitution enshrined the right of every (human) child to an education, I can't see it being much fun for teachers trying to control a class of rowdy kids of both species. And think of the hassle we'd have trying to get a banana if this shower are allowed to come over and steal them. The effects would be hideous.
And, without being species-ist, can we really afford the cost of the inevitable social welfare benefits we'd have to pay for all the inevitable immigrant chimps? We all know they are a lazy and feckless lot who, frankly, look like they would rather spend their time hanging around, swinging from rubber tyres and throwing their faeces at each other rather than actually doing a hard day's work like the rest of us who seldom, if ever, get the chance to swing from rubber tyres and throw our poo at each other. And that's just not fair!
No, these newly declared humans would simply sponge off the state, drive the price of bananas through the roof and spend their time lolling around being adorable. And that's my job. The social ramifications could be devastating as well. The last thing we need is another bleeding hearts lobby group telling us what we can and cannot say about them.
And, frankly, it's frustrating enough having to debate Muslims on the telly without ending up on The Late Late having some orang-utan accusing me of being a bit of a bastard who doesn't take their feelings into account.
And what about the political aspect of all this? The last thing we need is Fianna Gaerilla lording it over the rest of us and lecturing us about Europe or whatever. And anyway, we have a load of monkeys in the Dail as it is, we really don't need any more of them. But, perhaps more importantly, we need to look at the eventual power struggle between us all.
Gorillas, for instance, are far stronger than we are and would provide a large military threat should we not give them all the rights they are demanding.
In fact, if they all ganged up together they could take over the world! Maybe.
And, just in case you think I've been hitting the absinthe a little harder than normal, take a look at the accompanying picture. Do you really want to face this, you crazy liberal?
Thought not.
- Ian O'Doherty
