One of the things I have never been able to understand about modern footballers is their tendency to dive and feign injury.
In fact, one of the most infuriating things about watching ostentatiously perfect physical specimens such as Ronaldo and Drogba is how they fall over if the wind so much as changes direction when they are being tackled.
Then as soon as they score, they're haring off down the pitch, waving their shirt over their head and showing off the kind of heavily ripped six-pack the rest of us could only ever hope to emulate through Photoshop.
And even then the computer would still probably refuse to do the job.
That was out of an old, obviously deranged concept of not actually cheating during a match, but he made a far more pertinent point that doesn't seem to be taught to kids as they learn the game – never show your opponent you've been hurt.
That's easier said than done, of course.
And it would appear that the Continuity IRA, or the Real IRA or the Tin Pot Toy Town Tossers, or whatever name they're using on their Facebook page could learn some lessons from the former Chelsea and Scotland winger.
Because it looks like our cut-price commandos want to have their Semtex and eat it.
If you were in and around Dublin on Wednesday evening and had to suffer through the hassle and indignity of our capital being taken over by a small coterie of quasi-military thugs who had hijacked a harmless – if self-defeatingly daft – wider protest while the local Rozzers simply stood by, then you probably won't have much time for the low lifes responsible, or the cops, either.
As you know, they have previous when it comes to letting these historically illiterate, morally degenerate bottom feeders play by their own terms.
After all, they stood by and allowed a military funeral for Alan Ryan, complete with gun shots and paramilitary road blocks – and all in the name of keeping the peace and not wanting to inflame the situation.
That laissez-faire attitude was a marked contrast, for instance, to that infamous Dame Street march a few years ago which saw a bunch of undoubtedly irritating, but undeniably harmless, hippies getting battered.
There was an outcry back then, but I doubt the public would have reacted with anything other than a cheer if the riot squad had simply steamed into the terrorist supporting wannabees of the 32CSM and messed some of them up.
That didn't happen last week, but Gobshite na hÉireann were quick to moan that: "There were people hospitalised and arrested by the heavy-handed free state police and the Dublin 32csm would like to wish them our solidarity."
Yeah, what's the world coming to when The Man won't even let you destroy the Dáil?
But then, what can you expect from a movement whose most iconic image remains the pictures of that bird in knock-off army surplus gear at Alan Ryan's memorial.
Not so much Revolutionary Chic as Revolutionary Slapper – if she had wanted to accurately encapsulate the reality of our modern-day freedom fighter she should have turned up with a spliff in her mouth, a dole card in her pocket – hey, just because you want to overthrow the State doesn't mean you can't claim its benefits – and, of course, she would have worn pyjamas rather than an outfit that looked like it came from a dodgy store.
Really – I know times are hard, but it's a sad state of affairs when the best our supposedly feared terrorists can come up with is a self-serving statement complaining about the police being too heavy-handed and parading some dopey bird in an Action Girl uniform.
OF COURSE, I'M SURPRISED IT TOOK SO LONG ...
As things stand in the Middle East, one of the most notable things has been Israel's rather deafening silence.
In fact, in much the same way that South Park did an entire episode about stem cell research where Stan and Kyle shared the refrain: "We're staying out of this one", Israel has been notable in its silence.
In fairness, whenever anything happens in that region, they usually get the blame so, wisely, they have decided to sit out the Arab Spring and all the fun that has brought to their neighbours.
But their rather diplomatic silence – not something the Israelis are famed for, let's be honest – hasn't been enough for some people.
According to one brilliantly obtuse letter in the Indo the other day: "[Israel] hasn't bombed Syria, yet, but I fear it may happen down the line."
So, despite the fact that Jerusalem is making a point of sitting this one out, the blame for Syrian children being poisoned by Sarin can be laid at the feet of . . . the one side that is adopting the Stan and Kyle approach: "Uh-un, we're staying out of this one."
In fact, why can't Israel just do the world and eradicate itself?
Because as we can now see, the neighbours are just so peaceful and civilised when left to their own devices ...
THE POWER OF BOOZE COMPELS THEE!
So, a 53-year-old Florida man has been arrested for performing an exorcism on his 80-year-old girlfriend.
It's the kind of story of evergreen love story that, I'm sure you'll agree, gives us all a case of the warm and fuzzies.
However, there is one problem with this otherwise lovely tale – as David Benes took a break from strangling the evil out his octogenarian girlfriend, he fell asleep and was "too intoxicated to talk" when cops arrived.
Seriously –- I am sick of telling people ... when doing an exorcism, for God's sake don't be mixing your drinks.
If you stick to just beer, you'll be fine.
If you just stick to whiskey, particularly the kind you get in Florida, then you should be relatively okay, but you might be a bit rude to the demon.
But mixing the two when expelling Satan and all his legion of minions?
Jesus lads – that's just feckin' amateur hour.