Haterz gonna hate? Actually, you're not that important
A long time ago, when Chris Rock was still funny, he used to riff on the complicated dynamic that exists between women, paying particular attention to the way some of them feel the need to inject unnecessary drama into their lives. He even recounted a conversation with a previous girlfriend who complained of a colleague: "That bitch is trying to destroy me!"
Rock's response remains a classic: "What the f**k you talking about? You pack bags in JC Penney's. Destroy you? What's she gonna do, rip up your paper?"
That was from his Bigger And Blacker show in the late '90s, when he was at his peak.
But if he was irritated by people who, as he said at the time, "need to make some Dynasty shit" out of the most mundane disagreement, he'd surely recognise how social media has now turned everyone into a character in their own little TV show. These days, it's not Dynasty, but corrosive effluent like TOWIE and Made In Chelsea, which allows the hard of thinking to apparently think they are involved in some epic drama any time they suspect someone doesn't like them.
Twitter and social media have made narcissists of everyone, and even the most minor inconvenience is a now big deal – simply because it happened to you. And seeing as you are such a vital and fascinating individual, with everyone else a mere extra in the movie that is your life, you need to find the words which can truly express how dire your situation is.
When Rock was in his pomp, he referred to the word 'destroy' as an example of that kind of self-aggrandising sense of persecution.
But if he was doing that routine today, the word would surely have been 'haters' or its illiterate first cousin, 'haterz.'
And what are haterz gonna do? Well, apparently, haterz are gonna hate.
The latest example of the word comes from one-woman tabloid scandal Josie Cunningham, the sink estate slapper who came to public attention when she had a boob job on the NHS in the same hospital which couldn't afford treatment for a child with cerebral palsy.
She's currently causing fury in her native Leeds with the news that her local authority are paying for her to get taxis to and from her child's school because "you wouldn't see Katie Price get a bus and I am much more hated than her. I'm too well recognised and the amount of hate I get makes it impossible to get public transport".
Now, you could argue that anyone who craves publicity to the extent that she was prepared to have an abortion if it came between her and being on Big Brother can't complain when the going gets a bit rough.
But there's really no point because I genuinely believe even my dogs have more common sense than this witless cabbage.
And she is surely too dumb to understand any of the nasty mail she might receive. Cunningham's immediate retreat into blaming the 'haters' is a classic example of how an entire sub-species of dummies are simply incapable of accepting any criticism.
Instead, they insist on branding anyone who fails to recognise their brilliance as just another 'hater'.
We saw a perfect example of that a few summers ago when a minor Irish celebrity insisted on singing at an outdoor festival, despite having no previous experience fronting a band. The end result was as inevitable as it was salutory – deluded person makes a big deal of appearing at a festival, people go along to make fun and, all of a sudden, our shrinking violet is crying and squawking that she would not be ground down by these ubiquitous 'haters'.
Of course, they weren't haters, they were just people who had the one remaining Irish trait that should be cherished above all others – an ability to spot bullshit from a mile away.
And then laugh about it.
Keep an eye out for the word 'hater' and the next time you see it being used, run a little test – is it coming from a person escaping genocide or persecution?
Or from someone so terminally thin-skinned and deluded that they are psychologically incapable of accepting criticism or even contradiction?
So please, when you're next on Twitter and someone has a pop, don't assume they hate you. They just don't hold you in the same high regard as yourself. But then who does?
Two years already?
When someone dies before their time it will come as a shock. When someone dies during an unprovoked and cowardly assault, it can wrench people apart. Today is the second anniversary of the death of journalist Eugene Moloney, who was killed by a single punch as he walked home on his own one night.
It was a squalid, pointless death that destroyed a family and left his friends and colleagues stunned.
Tonight sees a most fitting tribute for this life-long music fan with A Salute To Eugene in Whelans, featuring the likes of Liam O Maonlai, Julie Feeney, Joe and Steve Wall and others.
It's 15 quid in and proceeds go to the Peter McVerry Trust.
A wonderful choice of words
Live TV can be a hazard at the best of times and this week's news that some low life had stolen Michael Schumacher's medical records certainly got the media's attention.
Stealing confidential medical data really is a special kind of wrong at any time; when they belong to a famous person who has suffered a major, catastrophic brain injury, it marks a new low in shitty behaviour.
So how did his family react?
Well, according to one TV reporter: "This news is a major headache for the family."