Thursday 27 November 2014

Bloody wimmin. Ruining history

Published 02/04/2009 | 00:00

Honestly, aren't ya just sick of it, women in the workplace, women allowed to vote, women taking part in politics, women demanding -- demanding, no less -- respect and equality.

And what they most definitely should not be doing is making bloody history programmes for the teevee.

That's certainly the view of historian David Starkey who has had enough of ladies what do be tellin' stories about people from the past.

Starkey is particularly unhappy with the portrayal of Henry VIII and the amount of attention given to his wives and he told Radio Times: "But it's what you expect from feminised history, the fact that so many of the writers who write about this are women and so much of their audience is a female audience."

Of course, the laydeez are unhappy with this assertion and female historian Lucy Worsley whines: "This is misogyny.

"It's rude, damaging, unfair and pernicious to say that women's history isn't important and interesting." She then started to cry and asked the interviewer if he could get her a tub of Haagen Dazs.

AND SURE THE VIEW IS GRAND

We live in truly weak, lily-livered times. A flake of snow and the country grinds to a halt; a minor terrorist attack and everybody starts to panic and now you can't even detain a few hundred suspected terrorisers without being accused of breaching human rights.

So it's nice to see that some people haven't fallen for all that namby pamby pinko rubbish; people like Miss Universe, the Venezuelan beauty Dayana Mendoza who has just finished an interesting tour of one of the world's most famous beauty spots -- Guantanamo Bay.

While Gitmo may have developed somewhat of a dodgy reputation of late, Ms Mendoza reckons it's great, saying: "It was a lot of fun; it's a really calm, relaxing and beautiful place."

She also waxed lyrical about the scenery, complimenting "the beautiful beaches" and said that she felt very rested by the time she left.

Sadly, she didn't comment on whether orange boiler suits complemented her figure or whether the screams of Afghan teenagers having electrodes placed on their nuts distracted her from the lovely view.

But her travels haven't finished there.

Speaking to reporters, she said: "I'm really looking forward to my next trip, to Limerick in Ireland. I've heard the people are warm and friendly and the scenery is gorgeous. Also, I did national service in Venezuela, so I know how to fire a gun without blowing my own head off. Apparently that will make me something of a rarity in the city."

AHA! GOD DID IT

Celtic's demented keeper Artur Boruc was playing last weekend for Poland against the Norn Iron.

And he didn't let us down.

At fault for all three goals, his spectacular air-kick which completely missed the ball and allowed the British team to take three points was a thing of hilarious beauty.

And now we know what caused it -- God.

Yup, proving God must be a Rangers fan, former Polish keeper Jan Tomaszewski -- the man famously referred to as "a clown" by Brian Clough -- reckons Boruc brought it on himself "because he started a religious war in Glasgow. You could say he has had a punishment from God".

When contacted for a comment about whether he supports Celtic or Rangers God informed ISpy: "No way, dude. I'm not touching that one with a barge pole."

SO, WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?

We have many evils to face in this world -- global terrorism, feminism and Bob Geldof immediately spring to mind.

But it seems we're missing the big picture -- contraception.

That's the view of Tyrone GAA manager Mickey Harte who has endorsed a book with the fascinating title Who's At The Centre Of Your Marriage? The Pill Or Jesus Christ?

The tome complains about how "contraception is the unspoken cause of so many marriages breaking up".

People are sure to be critical about a man from the United Kingdom telling us here in Ireland how to live but, in fairness, there's a certain symmetry in a Mickey talking about Johnnies.

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