Bilderberg – the secret society open to us all
Published 30/05/2014 | 02:30
So, got your tin-foil helmet, your copy of the latest works by David Icke and Alex Jones and your untraceable email account at the ready? Yes, it's that time of the year again when the world's most infamous secret society gathers in the shadows to decide how they are going to run the world.
Well, when I say 'shadows', what I really mean is that the members and invited guests of the group will gather together in a swanky hotel in Copenhagen this weekend to discuss the kind of things that rich, powerful and influential people, as well as our own Simon Coveney, like to discuss.
As is only right and proper, of course, this weekend's bash, which will also feature regular attendee Peter Sutherland, has been once more held up as an example of how the elite are secretly controlling our lives.
The Bilderberg Group, The Trilateral Commission, the Illuminati, the Freemasons and the Jews all seem to take turns in being blamed for being sinister puppet masters who conduct business in secret and have nefarious plans and, if you believe the likes of David Icke, they're also secretly lizards.
Now, I have no definite proof that Simon Coveney is a lizard, although I once noticed him licking his lips.
To the casual observer, this may have been a sign of thirst. But I suppose it could have been because, as a lizard, he really wanted to stick his freakishly large lizard tongue out at a passing fly. However, I doubt it.
But then I would say that, wouldn't I?
After all, as the world's worst secret society gathers under the glare of massive publicity and sweaty-palmed scrutiny, one of the many illuminating truths we learn is that the media is also part of this great, concerted effort to placate the masses and distract people away from the secretive skulduggery taking place in the plush, five-star Marriot Hotel.
Now, the most obvious prick to the balloon of gleeful paranoia surrounding the annual meeting of global fat cats is the simple question – why would a secret society operate so publicly?
After all, when you look at the illustrious guest list, which includes the head of NATO, the ex CIA chief David Petraeus and loads of other incredibly wealthy people that most of us have never really heard of, why would they bother holding their clandestine talks in the middle of one of Europe's most elegant capital cities?
Surely if this is, as we are led to believe, the 1pc of the 1pc, then one of them would have their own private island somewhere, maybe a hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific where they can properly decide how they're going to further subjugate us?
That rich and powerful people like to gather together and chew the fat is hardly new, or news.
After all, like attracts like and these are people who realise that while democratically elected governments come and go, business must always be done.
In fact, you'd have to be spectacularly dense to think that these people don't have a lot of things they would like to talk about.
But aha! I hear you shout, why is their agenda so bloody secret? What are they trying to hide? Why haven't they even released the topics that are up for discussion?
Um, they have. This weekend will include topics like what the hell they're going to do about Ukraine, the ongoing fun and games in the oasis of peace that is the Middle East and, interestingly, 'the future of democracy and the middle class trap'.
In other words, the items they have earmarked for discussion are exactly the kind of things you may find yourself discussing with your mates down the pub this weekend.
And I'm sure you wouldn't want the world's media camped in the seat beside you, taking notes.
The reason why groups like Bilderberg attract such a frenzied, hysterical reaction is actually quite a simple one – people want to think, need, to think that somebody, somewhere, has some sort of a handle on what is going on.
It doesn't really matter if you think that they are a bunch of fusty businessmen and politicians having a meet-and-greet or whether you do think that they are really sinister lizard people who want to harvest human skin. After all, we all know that human skin is the tastiest.
No, some people have a burning desire to castigate events like this weekend's jamboree in Copenhagen (which also features the head of Carlsberg, so at least the refreshments should be good) for the simple reason that the alternative – nobody has a clue and even the elite are stumbling around in the dark – is simply too horrifying to contemplate.
Because in a world of paranoia, justified and otherwise, the real cover-up, the one the elite don't want us to contemplate, is that they are just as freaked out and totally clueless as everybody else.
So people tend to fall into two camps – the ones who think that there have been secret societies down through the ages who keep us enslaved and are behind everything from 9/11 to the missing Malaysian plane.
Then there are the rest of us, who have stumbled upon an even more terrifying truth – life is just a bunch of stuff that happens and even if there was a shadowy cabal bent on world domination, they'd just end up making a balls of it.
Sadly, for some people, that prospect is even more terrifying than a bunch of pointy-heads deciding what to do with the rest of us ...