Anyone else see a small flaw here?
Friday November 02 2007
There really are times when it seems that the people who run this country are either totally bonkers or they simply enjoy making fools of the lot of us.
The latest example of high ranking daftness comes with the news that the normally solid Seamus Brennan reckons we could host the World Cup.
According to one of his minions: "¨The Minister has asked the Department to work with the FAI to determine the feasibility of it, to look at the detailed criteria which Fifa demands of any countries coming together to make a bid."
So, what sort of criteria would they be looking for?
Well, you'd need at least a half dozen stadiums. You'd need a perfectly working infrastructure. You'd need several airports to cope with the influx of fans.
We can offer them one rented stadium and the Red Cow roundabout.
Yup, World Cup 2018 here we come.
And while we're at it, why don't we host the Olympics at the same time?
TIME TO DOWNGRADE CHRISTMAS?
Let's be honest, too many of us are white, of Christian heritage and only speak English.
That's the view of one of the most dangerously stupid organisations in Britain, the Labour think tank, the Institute for Public Policy Research.
And apparently, white, Christian, British people are a hindrance to good race relations with immigrants.
So what do they plan to do to solve the appalling problem of people who are actually British?
Well, the Institute suggests downgrading Christmas and ultimately removing it from the calendar because it upsets people of other faiths, and instead focusing on foreign festivals like Eid and Diwali.
They also suggest that because: "The empire is gone, church attendance is at historically low levels, and the Second World War is inexorably slipping from memory" that flying the Union Jack from public buildings should be prohibited and instead flags from other countries should be used.
And they're not fond of rural Britain, either, demanding that the government "ensure access for ethnic minorities to the largely white" countryside.
They also suggest that as a gesture of solidarity to immigrants, English men should start blacking up, English women should wear burkas as a mark of respect for Islam and English football fans should start to support other countries as a show of their multicultural credentials. And people wonder why more British people are emigrating than at any time before?
WHAT'S THE BLOODY POINT?
As the literally several regular readers of this column will admit -- although only after being tortured -- I'm a kind, generous and sharing person. In fact, it's not too much of a stretch to say that I am an inspiration to many people.
But you just don't deserve it. This was proved the other night. After spending a ridiculous amount of money on sweets and treats to dole out to the adoring local children for Halloween, we were looking forward to basking in their love and gratitude when they came around to help the Halloween party (none of that American 'trick or treat' nonsense around Casa Ispy, I can tell ye).
We waited. And waited. And not one of the little buggers bothered knocking in to us.
But there is an upside -- now I don't feel so guilty about bursting their footballs.
AN INTERESTING COMPLAINT
Twenty-two-year-old Bradley Kellard is one of the thousands of men who will get divorced this year.
But he is set to make legal history by becoming the first man to cite a diet supplement as the reason for the break up.
Kellard's wife started taking diet pills recently and has since become something of a sex addict. In fairness, there are surely worse things to complain about in a wife but Kellard has had enough, saying: "I had to stop coming home for lunch. All I wanted was a sarnie but food was never on the menu -- just sex.
"When I started saying 'no' it caused rows and they haven't stopped. I've moved out so divorce seems inevitable."
If you listen closely to his story you can just about pick up the faint sound of the world's smallest violin.
- Ian O'Doherty
