Ian O'Doherty

Friday 25 July 2014

And what do you use your machine for?

Ian O'Doherty

Published 21/09/2007|10:03

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Where would we be without daft surveys? Well, let's put it this way – without them you'd be looking at a blank page right now.

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The latest example comes from a detergent company who have decided to finally tackle the most burning topic in our nation today – what are our habits at the washing machine?

For most blokes, in fairness, their habit mainly involves watching the missus put the washing on, but according to the latest figures – I know, I've never been asked to participate in a survey either, where do they find these people? – it seems that women are, well, a little bit thick.

Apparently, 28% of women had shrunk their own clothes, compared to only 12% of men while 20% of women, as opposed to 1% of men, had shrunk their children's clothes. Some 6% of women and 2% of men had put a phone, MP3 player or Ipod into the washing machine, while 43% of women and 19% of men had washed money in the washing machine. But who could possibly come up with such sexist revelations?

Well, according to the press release, the poll was conducted by “Pat McNamee, the inventor of Colour Catcher and head of Punch's Research & Development division based in Cork, [and] is probably Ireland's foremost laundry expert.”

Ireland's foremost laundry expert?

Spin, rinse, repeat. It's not that hard to become an expert in laundry, surely?

THE WORLD'S SOFTEST MAN?

The recent rash of dog attacks across both Ireland and England have alerted us all to the menace of uncontrolled dogs – and on a side bar, the next time my neighbour's dog attack either of my two, it's going to the big kennel in the sky – and we must all be vigilant against the menace posed by pit bulls, mastiffs, rottweilers and...sausage dogs.

That would appear to be the case following a trial in England when an 8-inch tall dachshund was facing the death penalty after it was accused of biting his neighbour.

Shawn Anderson – remember the name, so you can mock him if you ever meet – claimed that the miniature dachshund named Lucy had attacked him, leaving teeth marks and damaged his jeans.

After the attack, which he says left him “inconsolable”, he got his mother in law to ring the rozzers, who seized the dog.

Thankfully, the case has been resolved and Lucy is free to terrorise more people at her leisure.

But consider this – what sort of bloke would admit to being “inconsolable” after an 8-inch dog ran at him?

Actually, now that I think of it, the kind of bloke who would then ask his mother in law to ring the cops for him.

THERE'S A REASON THEY CALL IT DOPE

There's no doubt that prolonged use of cocaine can turn your brain to mush, your genitalia to tiny marbles and you lose all sense of judgement and propriety.

Just ask the spectacularly dense drug smuggler Leroy Fish, who had been on an FBI watch list for some time following his repeated trips across the American- Canadian border.

On his last trip, Fish was questioned about why he had thousands of dollars in cash, night vision goggles and a GPS transponder about his person.

Unable to actually pin anything on him, authorities eventually let him go – only to have him call them back a few hours later with an interesting question – had any of the Feds, he wondered, happened to come across his stash of coke?

He complained that he had two back packs, containing 68 pounds of cocaine – or enough to keep Pete Doherty going for one night – and they had gone missing and he wanted them back.

He was promptly arrested.

OH NO - NOT THE HARPISTS!

Pack your bags, those of you who want to desecrate Tara/build a vital motorway – depending on which side of the fence you fall – because you have a new enemy, and one that will not bedefeated.

Sure, direct action and protests have done no good, and yeah, that letter writing campaign into the Irish Times proved to be a baffling failure, but now we have a new weapon – Ireland's harp players.

According to Irish harpist Laoise Kelly, they're mad as hell and they won't take it any more and Ireland's harpists plan on having ahard-core harp-in at the Dail.

She says: “What's great is that, while we wouldn't necessarily agree on harp styles and how the harp tradition should be passedon but we are all unanimous

THE GERMANS ABANDON PARIS

Y'know what, maybe the Germans are good for something after all.

Following their ambassador to this country's entirely reasonable remarks and his even more heroic refusal to apologise to whingeing Paddy, it now emerges that the town of Munich has banned Paris Hilton from their famous beer festival.

According to organisers, Hilton's presence would cheapen the event.

So that's how low she has sunk – even the organisers of a marathon drinkathon where people exist on a diet of strong beer, bratwurst and their own regurgitated vomit reckon she'd provide a bad image?

Well done, Krauts, keep it up and you can soon rejoin the human race.

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