What are we going to do to save the world? Well, we could stop eating cows, according to one UN boffin.

Because they fart so much, the methane gas they produce is damaging the ozone layer and we're all going to die of radiation poisoning on account of flatulent bovines. Or something.

And now there's a new, even more obscene suggestion from a pair of idiots who claim to be experts in 'sustainable living' (in other words, people who watched too many episodes of The Good Life when they were younger) who have written a new book: Time To Eat The Dog: The Real Guide To Sustainable Living.

Robert and Breda Vale claim that dogs leave a massive carbon footprint and therefore you would be better off chowing down on your chihuahua.

"For years, animals have been given a good life," they claim, "and their company was enjoyed. And then they were eaten."

It's a suggestion that will be seen as utterly morally repugnant to any pet owner, but it does remind ISpy of the chant directed towards Manchester United's Korean midfielder, Ji Sun Park: "He shoots, he scores, he'll eat your Labradors, Ji Sung Park, Ji Sung Park."

But obviously that's racist and you're not allowed to laugh.

THANKS BUT NO THANKS

The only reason this column ever fills out the census form is to put 'Pastafarianism' or 'Jedi' in the box requesting your religion and generally giving deliberately stupid answers to questions that are none of anyone's business.

But as Big Brother bestrides British society like some sinister colossus, their new census forms really take the biscuit.

Among the new questions responders have to face, they will be asked about any over- night visitors they might have, what their age and sex are as well as having to list the number of bedrooms they own, which seems rather odd.

And in another initiative to make foreigners feel more at home, one of the questions is: "How well do you speak English? A) Very Well B) Quite Well or C) Not At All."

Now, maybe this column is being a bit of a simpleton, but if you tick box 'C', surely you wouldn't be able to understand the form in the first place?

ILLEGAL TO BE CHRISTIAN?

Pensioner Pauline Howe, the wife of a Baptist minister, went to a gay pride march to hand out anti-gay leaflets. It was all pretty harmless until she was removed for her own safety when some gay men started to threaten her. And, the other day, the 67-year-old from Norfolk received a visit from two police officers.

Was it to inform her of the progress of the investigation into the brave men who threatened to batter an oul wan?

Actually, they turned up to inform her that a complaint had been made against her, and they told her she could be prosecuted for "spreading hate speech" because some people on the march felt "threatened" by her using anti-gay quotes from the Bible.

That'd be an interesting court case -- making some people swear on the Bible that the Bible isn't a book of hate.

Honestly, are we, as a race, becoming more stupid with each generation?

Carr crash comedy?

As you might have noticed, it's open season on comedy right now.

And now Jimmy Carr can join the likes of Tommy Tiernan and Frankie Boyle as the latest target for people who like to feel offended.

Carr has landed himself in hot water before, but now the quick-fire quip-monkey has attracted the ire of the British armed forces -- well, some of them, anyway.

He was doing a stand-up show last week when he commented: "Say what you like about the servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan but we're going to have a f***ing good Paralympics team in 2012."

It's a good gag and one he has previously told to injured soldiers, but that didn't stop the usual brigade of whingers freaking out, with the mother of one injured squaddie spectacularly missing the point by saying: "Soldiers are over there fighting for freedom of speech, Carr needs to remember that when he says things like this."

Now, despite the fact that ordinary soldiers have no problem with the joke, he has now been forced to remove it from his routine after the barrage of criticism and claims that he was being offensive.

But that's not offensive at all.

If you want proper offence, simply go back to one of his earlier gags: "They say a female gypsy moth can smell a male gypsy moth from a mile away.

"Interestingly, if you remove the word 'moth' it still holds true."

Now that's offensive.

And funny.

DVD TIME

Made at the height of flower power, Kelly's Heroes (1970) is the brilliant tale of a motley bunch of Marines more interested in liberating some hidden gold from the Germans than fighting them.

It features a career highlight turn from the great Donald Sutherland as the Sherman tank captain, Oddball, a hippy before his time who complains anytime someone "is giving me negative waves, baby".

Still funny after all these years, it's an absolute cracker.

Sample quote: "To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some kind of weird sandwich, not somebody who takes on three Tiger tanks."

BOOK WORM

Political hacks frequently complain that politicians are ruled with an iron fist by their spin doctors and they can't get access to them.

How things have changed since Tim Crouse's legendary The Boys On The Bus (1973) which focused on the reporters covering the 1972 presidential election. Thoroughly gripping stuff.

Irish Independent