The Cult of Scientology is having a really, really bad week. They have been found guilty of fraud in France, and slapped with a large fine -- although given how expert they are at bilking money from the gullible morons who buy into their claptrap, they shouldn't have any problem raising it.

In America, screenwriter Paul Haggis has left the cult -- or 'fruity little club' as South Park referred to it -- because: "I cannot in good conscience remain in an organisation where gay bashing is tolerated and which has allowed its name to be associated with the worst elements of the Christian Right."

But this column has a suggestion for embattled cult members.

Simply send us all your money and we will help your inner Thetan find The Bridge to Total Freedom where you can escape the clutches of Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy who came to this planet 75 billion years ago before killing all his followers with hydrogen bombs.

Honestly, they believe that.

It's enough to make transubstantiation seem rational.

'ELLO, 'ELLO, 'ELLO

Special interest groups -- the Muslim Police Association, the Black Police Association, the Gay Police Association (but no 'straight, white police association' obviously, because that would be racist and homophobic) -- continue to turn the British police into some sort of weird group of social workers who are more interested in social engineering than nicking criminals.

Their latest set of rules are thoroughly entertaining.

Coppers have been told, for instance, not to use the phrases 'evening' or 'afternoon' because, apparently, "these words are somewhat subjective" and could confuse people from other cultures.

They are now, confusingly, no longer allowed to use the word 'homosexual' and replace it with gay. Equally, 'straight' is verboten, and 'heterosexual' is the new word, which, as a heterosexual, I find extremely welcome, because the phrase 'straight' made me feel uncomfortable and discriminated against.

But the most common sense rule is banning the word 'child' because: "It has connotations of inexperience, impetuosity and unreliability."

It's all remarkably similar to the opening episode of the American Office where, among the words banned by the new boss is 'Mexican': "Because, you know, it has connotations."

THAT'S PRECISELY THE POINT

As France leads the fight for the protection of European civilisation by banning the burka, Britain now finds itself in yet another of those interminable burka bothers.

An 18-year-old, Shawana Bilqes, refused to remove the burka when she was posing for photo ID at college in Burnley.

Staff and students alike are required to carry their photo ID at all times to prove they have a right to be on campus but the lady was not for turning and, typically, is now claiming religious discrimination despite the fact that the burka is not mandatory for Muslims.

According to her: "I tried to compromise but they wouldn't. We live in the 21st century with people from all walks of life."

Yes, luv, that's exactly it -- the 21st century, not the Middle Ages where women wander around looking like those little ghosts from Pacman.

What's the fuss about?

Mattie McGrath -- or 'gobshite' as he is known to some -- has stepped into the debate about drink driving.

And, alongside the current complaint that the limits should not be reduced because it discriminates against culchies who have to drive to the pub, our hero has a particularly interesting argument to keep the limit where it is.

"I know people for whom drink is a relaxant and they might be more nervous without it. Some people, if drink is a sedative, it can make people who are jumpy on the road, or nervous, be more relaxed."

And you know what? He's absolutely right.

After all, when you're on a flight, which makes you more comfortable -- listening to the pilot slurring his way through the pre-flight announcement or the pilot sounding completely sober?

Well, the one who is slurring, of course, because, using Mattie's criteria, he will be far more relaxed than the sober pilot should any crisis happen in mid air.

My God, the man is a bloody genius.

ESSENTIAL SOUNDS

The untimely death of gentleman Grant McLennan in 2006 was heartbreaking for fans of The Go Betweens and some of the devoted still haven't come to terms with it.

Arguably the best Australian band of all time, McLennan and writing partner Robert Forster were the antipodean Lennon/McCartney and together they crafted some of the finest pop songs you will ever hear.

Stand out albums include Tallulah and 16 Lovers Land and, of course, Liberty Belle And The Black Diamond Express.

Those new to the band should invest first in the compilation album, Bellavista Terrace, which boasts such classics as Streets Of Your Town, Bachelor Kisses and the majestic Right Here.

DVD TIME

Proving that he really is the coolest man in the world, George Clooney brilliantly took the piss out of his movie star image in the joyous O Brother Where Art Thou (2000) in which a bunch of escaped criminals in Depression-era America try to make their way home. A loose homage to The Odyssey, the Coen Brothers really hit the mark with this, and the music is amazing.

Sample quote: "Shake a leg, junior. Thank God your mammy died givin' birth. If she'd have seen you she would have died of shame."

- Ian O'Doherty

Irish Independent