Sunday 26 October 2014

Irish Social StereO'Types: No 52 - The Cineaste

Published 10/08/2014 | 02:30

The Cineaste: Cartoon by Eoin Coveney

Appearance: An ever-lingering air of snooty superiority

Superior to: You, for being one of the "mindless herds" patronising the Cineplex

Habits: Constant frowning and lip-pursing, tapping critical notes into iPad, tutting contemptuously as the latest Michael Bay "abomination" plays out before her

Likes: Films where nothing happens; films where nothing happens unbelievably slowly; films with tortuous, protracted silences; films with eye-bogglingly graphic, but determinedly un-erotic sex scenes, which "symbolise" something-or-other

Doesn't like: Action, punch-ups, car chases, Steven Seagal, coherent storylines

Doesn't like but pretends to like: Armenian cinema of the Soviet era

Avoids like the plague: Any flick whose title or poster includes these words: cop; steel; American; fist; psycho; gun; nightmare; fury; killer; Godzilla; or "you'll laugh 'til you puke!"

Frequently used terms: Language of the semiotic; cahiers du cinema; diegesis; alienation; ennui; avant-garde

Weird fact: Doesn't seem to enjoy watching movies all that much

Weirder fact: Hates the word "movies", insists on "film" or "cinema"

Weirdest fact of all: Gets irrationally furious at inclusion of silly characters like Jar-Jar Binks in films made for children, as though this was a personal insult to her and not just something thrown in there to amuse the tots

Dream job: Film columnist with 'The New Yorker' or 'Salon', with special responsibility for covering Cannes

Until then: Continues churning out hate-filled screeds against Hollywood for little-read websites

Likely quote: "French cinema needs to return to its heyday of subverting the dominant paradigm"

Unlikely quote: "I can't wait for 'The Expendables 4'"

Irish Independent

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