Irish Social Stere O'Types - number 55, the garda
Published 31/08/2014 | 02:30
Accent: broad. Build: Also broad (inching towards heavy, due to careless diet and surprisingly sedentary occupation).
Uniform: Neat enough - creases not quite as sharp as the brass would like, but sure who has the time?
Family: Lots more guards
In international terms: Closer to an English village Bobby than a carbine-toting carabinieri just itching for someone to start causing trouble
Often found: Checking tax and registration on lonely country roads; signing various forms while trying not to fall asleep; playing or watching GAA; flirting with that Polish girl in the café round the corner from the barracks; queueing for chips after Sunday night lock-in at the pub
Likes: Taking it handy
Doesn't like: Those bloody set-dances the girlfriend drags him along to - the father keeled over from a heart attack doing the very same thing
The girlfriend: Principal's secretary at the local secondary
Attitude to the law: If it's serious, he's serious; if it's harmless, he might turn a blind eye
Such as: Nobody ever killed anyone with a broken brake-light
Ambitions: None in particular, although he hopes to cut down on the fags at some vague point in the future
Favourite TV shows: The Sunday Game, Top Gear, Family Guy, a bit of Corrie if herself has control of the remote
Favourite cop shows: None - those boys are all too gung-ho
Biggest disappointment: When they cancelled the Garth Brooks concerts
Likely quote: "Ah sure, go on, we'll let you off this time"
Unlikely quote: "Hands behind your head, motherf**ker!"