Thursday 21 September 2017

Ladies, you too can be a real diehard soccer fan and still want to bang the goalkeeper

To hell with the technical side of the Beautiful Game - let's sit down and ogle the beautiful players

Buff: Cristiano Ronaldo
Buff: Cristiano Ronaldo
Carol Hunt

Carol Hunt

With one minute to full-time, it looked as if France were about to suffer a humiliating draw with underdogs Romania. Then came Dimitri Payet's stunning shot, sent straight into the top corner with his left foot, leaving goalkeeper . . . Oh, excuse me - what was I thinking?

Here I am admiring the skill, the purpose, the talent of an athlete at the top of his game, when everybody knows that as a woman I should just be admiring his arse. Which, of course, I most definitely was, and I can report that it is a very fine arse indeed, much like the rest of his beautifully toned, muscle-rippling, taut body. I look forward to becoming better acquainted with it, and many other arses of similar quality, over the next few weeks.

Allelujah, ladies, summer has arrived - in the form of a whole month when every home, bar and convent sitting room in the country will have their flat screen TVs permanently tuned to showing us why soccer is called the Beautiful Game. Although I would much prefer to be in France - the home of the best tradition of philosopher-football - the next best thing is to watch as many games as possible on the telly. Obviously, being a woman, I don't have a clue about what's actually going on in the game. Ask me what the offside rule is and I'll roll my eyes and say: "Duh, who cares, when Ronaldo is taking his top off? Again." This is why women in places such as Iran and Saudi Arabia are not allowed to attend soccer games, lest the sight of men in tight shorts with rippling muscles cause them to have impure, Un-Islamic thoughts.

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