Saturday 1 October 2016

Can't get no satisfaction ... sorry sleep

John Masterson

Published 29/08/2016 | 02:30

Ronnie Wood and Sally Humphries
Ronnie Wood and Sally Humphries

If I even make it to the Old Age Pension, I know with certainty that I can imagine nothing less welcome than the sound of an infant crying. Or the movement of my loved one leaving the bed because it happens to be the night that none of our eight au pairs are scheduled on. It is for this reason that I am confident that The Rolling Stones will be back on a world tour soon. While Mick and Ronnie may well be the best fathers in the world, they need their sleep.

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A few weekends ago there were pictures of Ronnie with an infant twins on his lap having lunch in London. The very next day there was Ronnie (69) and his wife Sally (38) walking down Grafton Street. He looked much more at home carrying high quality shopping bags.

It is not so long ago since we were all appalled by an Indian woman who had given birth at the ripe old age of 72. People said it was vile, disgusting, stomach-churning and that was only the beginning. But we think nothing of it when it is males having babies with women half their age.

Anything Ronnie can do Mick can do better. His new lady, ballerina Melanie is 29 and pregnant and has the common sense not to move in with Mick. To be fair, both Stones are with independent women who have no need of an (un)dependable man. I wish all four and their offspring well.

I fear for conversations in which Mick chats about knowing Fonteyn and probably going on the tear with Nureyev. Melanie will have read about them in books. The nightmare of big age-gap relationships is having to explain things to each other that your own age group communicate about in shorthand. No young person is interested in hearing that there was a time before wifi and mobile phones. And no old person should be able to comprehend Pokemon Go. That is why age differences usually pose an insurmountable barrier to long term marital happiness, children or no children.

With an age gap of five years there is an 18pc chance of divorce. With a ten-year gap this rises to 39pc and with a 20-year gap this rises to 95pc, or near certainty. Mick is not the marrying type, but let's hope that Jerry Hall (59) and Rupert Murdoch (85) are able to beat the odds. The figures seem to show that there is no difficulty dating with a big age gap.There may even be great benefits for each of the couple, but for some reason the commitment of marriage shatters the rose tinted glasses.

Of course none of this wisdom will stop old goats lusting on occasion after young women and making total fools of themselves. It is part of what we are. Frankly I think we should grow up and stop it. I intend to. Around my 97th birthday. Maybe.

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