Wednesday 28 September 2016

Helping us with our inquiries

Published 18/09/2016 | 02:30

Enda Kenny. Photo: Damien Eagers
Enda Kenny. Photo: Damien Eagers

Enda Kenny has finally caved in to pressure from the Opposition and has announced not one but two State inquiries into Enda Kenny. The Taoiseach has apparently told colleagues he wants to get to the bottom of himself once and for all and that these inquiries will answer all his questions and point to a way forward.

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One of the inquiries will be conducted by a former judge who is now dead. The late judge will have unprecedented powers of inquiry and will also be allowed to summon up witnesses. The late judge will have as much time as he wishes to come to any conclusions he might have. The other inquiry will be a full State inquiry which will be preceded by a scoping exercise. The scoping exercise is deemed necessary because of Mr Kenny's age and the amount of time he spends on bicycles.

Mr Kenny's critics in Fine Gael are furious about this latest move, saying it is just an effort by Mr Kenny to kick himself down the road for another year or two. "He has effectively avoided yet another contentious issue, that of himself, by kicking himself into an inquiry," said one furious backbencher. "So now we have put off dealing with this issue, that of Enda Kenny, until after Mr Kenny retires."

When asked to comment on this, the Taoiseach said he is unable to talk about himself at the moment because the issue of himself is now the subject of an inquiry and he didn't want to prejudice the findings.

"It is better now that we wait to see the findings of the late judge, whenever those findings may come. But until then you can understand I will need to respect the inquiry, which is an apparatus of the State," Mr Kenny said.

Meanwhile, boffins in the Department of Politics at the University of Norwich have said that if Ireland keeps on setting up inquiries at the current rate, the country will soon be beginning inquiries into some things before they actually happen. "What we call the happening-to-inquiry timespace gap is shrinking at a quantum rate," said Dr Alice Cooper (female). "This is difficult for the average person to understand, but applying the laws of quantum mechanics to this means that soon reality will be gobbled up by inquiries so much so that inquiries will be the new reality and nothing that we would now consider real life will happen anymore."

This theory was backed up by geneticists in UCC who now say they will soon be able to grow judges with cells taken from the arse of a pair of pinstripe Louis Copeland suit trousers. Apparently the scientists have already grown a know-it-all mouse who drinks overpriced Burgundy, so they feel they will have a fully formed judge grown within a year.

The mouse has apparently already set up an inquiry into the whole affair.

Sunday Independent

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