Healy-Raes to form government
Published 17/04/2016 | 02:30
News emerged this weekend that the two Healy-Rae brothers have begun talks about forming a government. Talks are said to be at a very tentative stage right now. The first meeting lasted just 18 minutes and was conducted on neutral ground halfway between Michael's farm and Danny's plant hire business.
The brothers were accompanied only by one of Michael's most loyal cattle and Danny's favourite digger. It is understood the brothers were attempting to put their years of historic differences behind them to form a government after they were unhappy about other parties' unwillingness to sign up to their list of demands.
"Their list was very long," said a member of the negotiating team for one of the main parties. "And frankly it contained many things that we just couldn't guarantee. For example, they are demanding that the next time Top Gear comes to Kerry, the two of them would star in it, driving around in their 4X4s beeping their horns. And Danny was demanding to be, as he put it: 'The lad from Friends who says How'roo doing?' We just can't make those kinds of promises."
The arithmetic around a Healy-Rae government would be complex, involving everyone else abstaining to allow the two of them to govern from a minority position. The Healy-Raes would occupy all the Cabinet seats, drafting in various other family members for junior ministerial posts. "Michael O'Leary referred to Independents yesterday as local lunatics. But the Healy-Raes think that they are more than that," said one source last night. "They are national lunatics now, and if they can settle their old differences, some of which go back many years to childhood, they are confident they can form a stable government. Indeed, as a symbol of this stability they will actually operate the government from a stable."
Asked if this would be a so-called 'confidence and supply' agreement, a source said that the brothers had more than enough confidence already and that there would certainly be no need to supply them with any more.
Meanwhile, many in political circles are now reconciling themselves to the fact that we may not get a government this side of summer. But it's not seen as a huge problem. "If we can make it to the start of the summer, and if we get the fine weather, no one will care about the Government or anything else. That would bring us up to October more or less, and shure it's practically Christmas then," said the source.
When asked if we don't need a government to deal with crises in health and housing or any unexpected crises, the source pointed out that having a government was what usually led to crises. "It is statistically proven that a government causes more crises than it fixes," said the source.
Meanwhile, in a statement last night, the Healy-Raes said that talks between them were cordial. The short statement ended with the enigmatic line, "How'roo doing?"