Sunday 25 September 2016

2016 State papers revealed

Published 03/01/2016 | 02:30

Enda Kenny. Photo: Getty
Enda Kenny. Photo: Getty

January 3, 2047: State papers released today from 2016 show that those close to then Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, were getting very concerned about his behaviour as Ireland 'celebrated' the 1916 centenary.

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In dispatches, aides expressed worry that the Taoiseach was increasingly dressing in military garb. One senior civil servant was alarmed to enter the Taoiseach's office to find Mr Kenny next to a large table with maps on it, around which he was moving small ships, cars and, indeed, the dog from a game of Monopoly.

Another staff member confided in an email that the Taoiseach was increasingly demanding that he be referred to as "Mick" or just "Collins". The Taoiseach was also apparently getting increasingly paranoid about travelling anywhere by car, saying he had to be careful of flying columns and Crosby tenders.

So Mr Kenny took to travelling around by helicopter, looking down on the people below as they tried to stop the floods from engulfing their homes. Apparently Mr Kenny then became obsessed with the notion that the answer to the flooding was to build what he called "A Bridge Over the River Kwai". He was said to have wanted to conscript schoolchildren into national service to do this. The militarisation of the school system had begun in 2015 as the army started bringing around flags and nationalist paraphernalia to schools. By the summer children were wearing military uniforms and conducting manoeuvres at small break and big break.

Further concerns were expressed by those close to the Taoiseach when his trademark high five morphed into a class of a salute. He was also often heard quietly singing "Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler" to himself.

After he was re-elected Taoiseach in February with the support of the Labour Party, Mr Kenny got very angry that he didn't get an overall majority and became obsessed with "getting rid of that woman", as he referred to Joan Burton. The project was codenamed 'Mission Impossible', because Kenny became convinced that Burton had mystical powers that prevented her from being killed. "We tried kidnapping her in Tallaght, and we tried drowning her over Christmas, but she keeps coming back," he despaired. Concerned that people were getting tired of the 1916 celebrations, and that most people just watched RTE's Rebellion and then had enough, Mr Kenny demanded that the OPW dig up more dead patriots so they could be reburied with full military honours.

The Taoiseach also began wearing a wrist band saying WWPPD? which was believed to stand for "What Would Padraig Pearse Do?" and he became obsessed with planning his own four-day State funeral, insisting it was only a matter of time before he was "taken out by his enemies". The Taoiseach expressed the wish that in the event of his death, the running of the country should be taken over by Conor McGregor and Panti, both in full military dress.

Sunday Independent

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