Monday 26 September 2016

Will astronauts see Trump's big wall from space? And does size really matter after all?

Published 05/09/2016 | 02:30

'I know Mexican is really Spanish but the one thing I learned from Donald is that if you talk thick, thick people will love you. A good many voters don’t like people who are smarter.' Photo: Reuters
'I know Mexican is really Spanish but the one thing I learned from Donald is that if you talk thick, thick people will love you. A good many voters don’t like people who are smarter.' Photo: Reuters

Will the astronauts be able to see the Mexican wall from space? Do men suffer from penis envy? That Donald Trump is one gas man. You couldn't make him up. The possible future US president has turned the boring old news into prime-time farce.

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Adlai Stevenson, who was the Democratic candidate for the White House on two occasions in the 1950s, wrote: "In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take." Trump is anybody.

Donald's plan to get the Mexicans to build him a wall for free all along the border with the US is the maddest idea ever.

That man loves building walls. He buys a golf course in Clare and what's the first thing he does? Donald announces he's going to erect a wall to keep out the sea. But will it be seen from space?

Ireland has approximately 3,171km of coastline. What if Donald buys Ireland? He can well afford it. It would be excellent news for block layers, but what about the rest of us?

We're lucky Donald has the Mexicans to distract him.

Picture the scene in the searing heat of a desert full of scorpions and snakes. The only shade is in the grave. Millions of worn-out Mexicans are working away like mad, trying to put another adobe brick in the wall.

The Mexicans' foreman crawls up to Trump. His people have just finished a section the length of France.

"How much do we owe you, Senor Trump?" asks the Mexican foreman as he doffs his sombrero.

I'm pretty certain Donald hasn't much regard for the Mexicans, who are lovely people.

I was watching a late-night movie one night when I came home from the pub and Donald could have been the cowboy. I was bombed, so I can't remember the name of the film. It was a black and white cowboy picture from the 1930s or '40s. That much I remember.

The story was the usual one about the gunslinger who comes in to a lawless town without any gun control and he is being interviewed for the job as sheriff. The locals ask him if he's had much experience.

The gunslinger replies: "I killed 15 men, not including Mexicans and Indians."

Men could die every few minutes from the thirst and accidents on Donald's desert wall. Try building a wall on a beach. Go on, Don. So there.

Then the whip-cracking overseers from Trump's America shout out "Arriba! Arriba!" which might be Mexican for "Hurry up! Hurry up!" I learned all my Mexican from cartoons.

I know Mexican is really Spanish but the one thing I learned from Donald is that if you talk thick, thick people will love you. A good many voters don't like people who are smarter.

Speedy Gonzalez, zee fastest mouse in all of Meheeco, used to shout out "Arriba! Arriba!" when his cousin Slow Poke Rodriguez wasn't running fast enough to get away from Sylvester the Cat.

"Arriba! Arriba!" might just be "Yippee! Yippee!" If anyone can tell me what it means, please get in touch. I wouldn't trust that internet to tell me the day of the week.

It's nearly all the Mexican I know and I'm illiterate in several languages. Donald, though, is illiterate in English.

Here's what he tweeted six weeks ago: "Looks to me like the Bernie people will fight. If not, there blood, sweat and tears was a total waist of time."

Donald goes for a drive from Cape Canaveral in the space ship Donald 1. The president looks out the window, or is it a porthole?

That's the worst part of criticising other people's spelling. You have to be Mr Perfect yourself for the rest of the article. There below him, under Donald 1, is the Great Wall of China, the only man-made structure that can be seen from space, but there's no sign of the Great Wall of Trump.

He rages, orders the Mexicans to stick on another 30 feet and barks: "Don't be half the day about it."

"That will teach them in Tokyo," he screams at The Great Wall of China.

Donald, you see, is obsessed with size, whether it's the length of his penis or the height of his wall. And if he wants to put an extension on to his wall, who is to say that the great man hasn't had an extension stitched on to his manhood?

It could be he thinks the Yanks will say: "Oh I'm voting for Donald because he has a longer langer."

By the way, for any Americans reading, langer is a Cork word for member. I used it for the alliteration and the assonance.

"Look at those hands, are they small?"

And Donald raises his paws to his adoring supporters to show off the shovels.

"If they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee."

It seems Donald is of the opinion hand size and member size are in some way linked. I used to think it was shoes. Men with small hands will take to wearing gloves. Is it the first time ever an election is being fought over walls and penises?

If this trend continues, the next president of the USA, after Donald, will be either a porn star or a plasterer.

But what if the Donald has added on an inch or two? Is it cheating, like the dopers at the Olympics? Will he be impeached?

Trump Towers in New York is phallic. So it could be the building of tall structures is his way of making up for his member difficulties.

Did I say member is a polite Irish word for penis?

Maybe Donald should be asked to drop his pants at the next rally. Then all us horrible columnists would be shown up. There was a screenshot back a few months ago of a member purporting to be Donald's. His face wasn't in it, so we cannot confirm the object was attached to Donald.

Did he hire a stand-in member model? Will Donald drop the secrecy clauses in his divorce settlements?

All this psychology and shrinking are well beyond my competence.

But Sigmund Freud was sure and certain men were obsessed with their members.

I would suggest a short-term solution that might just save America, Mexico, Ireland and the world.

Maybe we should buy him Lego.

Irish Independent

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