Why the man who knows nothing about women is still barred
Published 24/08/2015 | 02:30
The man who knows nothing about women knows even less than I thought he did. We have revised his rating to the man who knows nothing at all about women.
Here's what he said to me in the pub before he was barred by the mother.
"I don't know how to drive one a dem tumble driers and they aten electricity. What's wrong with wind power? They're building wind turbines all over the world and there's herself ignoring God's own drying." Herself being his wife.
I was going to ask if he ever tried drying soggy woollens in the driving cold rain of a November morning but I didn't. He wasn't worthy.
So I put my brain on stand-by and I didn't hear a word he was saying from then on. The mother said she barred him for very bad language, which has now become the vernacular. My guess is it was much worse than that.
As for myself, I'm not saying I have women figured out. Far from it. But I do know more than the man who knows nothing at all about women.
I blame his father, who knew even less and treated his poor wife very badly. The man who knows nothing at all about women is tight with money, just like his father before him. I suppose he couldn't have had a worse role model.
I'm not sure of all my facts but it seems there was some problem with the payment of a dowry back in the days when women had to bribe their beloved to walk up the aisle.
Can you imagine the answer you'd get if you tried asking one of the women of today for a dowry? And the terms and conditions attached to the giving over of the dowry were that the woman must work 18 hours a day and bear at least eight children to help out around the farm and send money home from abroad.
The man who knows nothing at all about women would have witnessed his own mother wearing her hands away until they were sandpaper to the touch.
It was said the father wasn't too happy when the dowry didn't come through in full and is supposed to have said of his wife: "She hadn't a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out."
His son never bought flowers for his own wife either. He regarded flowers as no more than a form of weed, seeing as he had never seen cattle eat roses.
So when it came to Valentine's Day and Mother's Day, the man who knows nothing at all about women wasn't that interested in buying flowers, so he stole some. Again like the pot tale, I only have this third- or fourth-hand, so I could be wronging the man but the story fits his personality. The flowers were stolen from a grave and by all accounts his wife was most upset when she found a may you rest in peace card "from your loving nephew" hidden in among the blooms.
It could have been the man who knows nothing at all about women was the victim of a terrible mix-up by the florist or that he came to the opinion the flowers weren't of much use to the deceased. Before we go any further let me say, unequivocally, the alleged flower stealer is not from our town.
I have this information first hand, from myself. He's from the outskirts of a place where apostrophes are largely ignored on shop windows and cross dogs are allowed to roam the streets like free-range chickens. They've never entered the Tidy Towns and if they did they'd finish last. Strangers remain so.
And money or livestock are the sole measure of a man's worth.
There are times in the pub game when you serve people you don't like that much. The reason being is they haven't done anything bad enough to get barred.
Yes, we can give messages out, like ignoring the people we do not like or by disagreeing with every opinion they express as part of a plan that the customer is always wrong.
The mother said she barred him for bad language but my guess is it was for misogyny. But the misogynist keeps coming back.
It was at the mother's removal last Sunday week, to be exact, and who should come in to pay his respects but the man who knows nothing at all about women.
He had his head down and didn't look in to the coffin or bless himself or say a prayer. There are some people who hate to be bested. The man who knows nothing at all about women fits easily in to that category. He'd hate to see a mere woman get the better of him, being such a powerful strong and mighty warrior with several reserve bellies from devouring gallons of porter. So without so much as a handshake, he looks me in the eye and says: "Am I still barred now that herself is dead?"
So I'm caught by surprise and as you can imagine I'm seriously emotional and unable to process any kind of decision about an amnesty, remission or a pardon. The cue is held up. "Am I barred?" he asks a little bit more loudly this time.
I look into the mother in her coffin. I'd almost swear I saw her shake her head ever so slightly from left to right, as she did in our own private sign system. So I said to the man who didn't understand women: "The mother might be dead but you're barred for life."
Let that be a warning to the rest of ye.