Meet King Billy, the man to bring unity to these islands
Published 04/07/2016 | 02:30
The English haven't a clue what to do. Nor do we. Scotland doesn't know either and the Welsh are nonplussed.
So we have what is known as a vacuum in The Isles. And whether we're talking about doing the hoovering or reigning countries, vacuums must be deep-filled, like American apple pies and election potholes.
Note we used the term 'The Isles' and not the 'British Isles' or the 'British and Irish Isles'.
For soon enough, Britain will no longer exist.
England's people, or more than 50pc of them, seem to think their country is still an empire. They are suffering from notions of greatness.
And as today is the Fourth of July, it is most appropriate that we in the Porter Party are about to declare our independence.
The Porter Party is proposing the reunification of Ireland for openers, and then we would invite in Wales, who haven't much time for the English.
We were watching a report from the European Championships after England's catastrophic loss to Iceland and this English supporter couldn't figure out why everyone was delighted.
"Look, mate," he said, "I asked this bloke in an Iceland jersey what part of Iceland he was from and he replied Swansea." So we can take it the Welsh want out of GB.
It seems Scotland will now vote for its freedom and because of 1916, we can hardly join up with England again or it would ruin all the celebrations retrospectively.
The IRA would be up in arms and young lads would only be dying to die for Ireland, while the old lads sing 'Kevin Barry' with their eyes closed in pubs and persuade the young lads to do all the dying for Ireland. No, we can't have all that again.
The EU is making us pay water charges, so the anarchists and communists who want to bring down capitalism will get the people to vote us out of the EU. We'd bring down God out of heaven over water.
So maybe we might end up with the United Kingdom of Ireland. UKI or UKIP without the P, it would be called for short, or NUKI up north.
We need a king and queen. There's great money in royalty. That's the only reason they keep on the monarchy in England.
Millions of people go to see Buckingham Palace. Windsor Castle is very popular and so too is Kensington Palace, which is where the Queen's kids live.
I'm sure Her Majesty wouldn't mind easing up, and losing a few countries from her portfolio. I've never met her but I almost did. I was writing at Royal Ascot in the Royal Enclosure.
So there I was, lost, and all of a sudden this walkway leading to the Royal Box is blocked off, only I'm still on it.
I follow the Queen and her entourage across the walkway. I'm only a few metres away from the Royal Box. I get to thinking wouldn't it be some laugh if in I went and asked Her Majesty for a selfie. There was drink involved.
And it wasn't the Queen who was doing the drinking. This huge man in tails is walking immediately in front of me. He turns around and says - very politely, mind: "Sir, you are not expected."
Here's the logic I gleaned from rejection, and for me it makes great sense. We should have a king of the Isles. Fáilte Ireland would be thrilled. Best idea, they would say, since the Royal Atlantic Way.
And seeing as geneticists tell us most of us can trace our ancestry back to Niall of the Nine Hostages, we are all eligible to become king or queen by right of succession.
Or was it Con of the 100 battles who fathered all the children? Or Brian Boru?
It doesn't matter. Then, when we picked one of us, we could let his young lad or daughter become the next king or queen, just like they do in the Dáil.
I thought of the idea, so some of you might say it's only fair that I should become the first High King of Ireland since 1014.
And that's the plan to bring in the unionists. Just look up at the byline, which is newspaper for the name of the writer. What does it say? The Christian name, that is.
Yes, it's Billy and if you put King before Billy, well then you have King Billy. No unionist who ever wore a sash and a hard hat could refuse a name like that.
But I don't want to be king. It would mean having to be nice to people I don't like and attending all sorts of boring functions, pretending I'm deadly interested in ornamental shrubbery carved into swans and wishing luck to Dublin in Croke Park against Kerry.
Men with beards suffering from angst would go chasing after my state car, shouting: "Traitor!"
I wouldn't have a minute's privacy with people like me writing about me.
Wouldn't it be gas if England wanted to come in with us but we were the boss of them in a sort of a reverse takeover? The lads from 1916 would get some laugh at that.
Have we a palace for the royals to live in and for the tourists to be looking at?
It's a royal housing crisis. We can hardly charge the millions of tourists a tenner a head to walk through a three-bed semi-D in a place where only the buses go, even if we did put in nice curtains and did up the bathroom with a gold bidet. Nama is bound to have a developers' OTT crib on its books.
Now all we need is the king and queen. Are you up for it? Ah go on.
Imagine the two of ye going up to King Felipe of Spain and ye saying: "Nice to meet you, Felipe. We used to be the Murphys from Donnycarney but now I'm Tom the First and herself is Queen Noreen."