Sunday 25 September 2016

Let's forget about a government - sell the country to the Arabs and split the proceeds

Published 04/04/2016 | 02:30

Micheál Martin and Enda Kenny
Micheál Martin and Enda Kenny

There's a saying that goes: "A people get the government they deserve."

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Well, we voted for no government, which means that Ireland, not for the first time, is ungovernable. So my reading is that we can do what we like and each of us is now an independent republic of me.

It could be that we are as well off without a government of any kind, what with all those rules and regulations which don't really suit the Irish.

One man told me it was like the time his missus went over to Oz to see the young lad for a month. Himself couldn't go. He told the missus he had a fear of flying but it was really because he was more afraid that the Guinness over there might not be as a nice as it is here.

For the first week, he had a lovely time. Out all night and no one waiting up to give out. But as he said to your correspondent: "There's only so many takeaways a man can take and I was very upset by the sexit."

There have been calls to bring in a matchmaker from Lisdoonvarna. To bring Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil together.

"Isn't it about time the two of ye settled down and got married? I know ye had a bit of falling out one time, back in 1920-something, but all of that is in the past. Sure and don't lots of people get divorced and remarry when they are fallin' in love all over again.

"And ye have so much in common, when all is said and done. And think of the children of Ireland, without anyone to look after them."

Careful, though, Micheál and Enda. Marry in haste and repent at leisure. Remember the old warning issued to the farmer who was thinking of marrying his beloved. "You go up to the altar with 50 cows and you come down with 25."

Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael would see their vote decimated when the people turn against them in five years' time - because that's we do in this country. Fianna Fáil, as the junior partner, will lose half of their seats.

There will be a government of the Left and we will have to do without money when the EU refuses to stock up the ATMs for us.

There was a line from a country song I was always greatly taken with. It went: "Everybody wants to go heaven, but nobody wants to die."

It's the same thing as everybody wants everything for free but no one wants to pay taxes. Gone are the days, if they ever really existed, when we followed John Fitzgerald Kennedy's advice: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

Now there are serious issues that need to be addressed. Our young gardaí, teachers and nurses are on terrible money.

Homelessness should be a priority. If we have to pay more tax to help our fellow citizens, well so be it. I'd be all for it.

The pub business is suffering more than most. I am always getting advice from the customers as to how we can boost trade and when the customers inevitably come out with the word "free", I say: "Stop it right there."

Someone suggested we charge 1916 prices on Easter Monday and that it would draw a great crowd. The free word is a four-letter word in our pub. People are great for spending other people's money.

I met this woman a few years back who was in a terrible state over the death of her husband.

I was shocked at the extent of her grief, as I was under the impression from talking to the deceased, before he died, that the wife and himself were constantly at war. And the sexit was permanent.

Said she, and she all dressed up in black: "I miss having no one to fight with."

The commentators and a good few politicians are all for the coalition now because they have no one to be giving out about. This is the perfect way to build support as inevitably a government will mess something up. And even if they do mostly good, it's the bad moves that will be highlighted. Desperate times need desperate measures. So here's the plan suggested to me by the man who needs structure in his life. You know the kind. He's a man who backs into car-parking spaces and irons his shirt the night before.

The man who craves structure has come up with a novel way of commemorating 1916 and the hundredth anniversary of our own reverse Brexit from Britain.

He says we should celebrate our freedom by giving it up. We leave the EU, which would be an Irexit, and rejoin Britain.

"There would be plenty of handy money and we wouldn't have to listen to endless debates over the next election on the telly. England would be delighted to have us back and we would finally have a united Ireland, even if it is under British rule. And there would be certainty and structure."

I was somewhat shocked, to say the least, and made my feelings clear.

"We didn't die in 1916 to go back to John Bull," was my answer. "But," said the man who desperately needed a government, "we have to have someone to look after us. Or we will spend all our money if left to rule ourselves and go broke all over again."

Then he suggested that Donald Trump take us over. He could run the country from the Doonbeg White House and he would pay each of us a tidy sum for our share of Ireland. Then, as another pint went down, he suggested we put Ireland up for sale to the highest bidder.

"It's all about location," he said. "The Russians and the Arabs would love to have a base so close to England and mainland Europe. Think of all the oil money, man. Money for nothing and chicks for free."

So here's the ad. "For Sale. Ireland. Lovely scenery and great potential for development. Reserve price, one million for each citizen."

"So we're all millionaires," says the man who needs to be ruled. It beats any promise made by anyone else by a long way. The referendum will be any day soon.

Irish Independent

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