Friday 28 April 2017

Burning tenners on the Grand National before Jong-un nukes us all

'Mr Kim poisons opponents with fountain pens and umbrellas. He has his assassins spray people with deadly chemicals. I have always taken the easy way out, which is to totally ignore the threat posed by countries with a nuclear capability' Photo: Wong Maye-E/AP
'Mr Kim poisons opponents with fountain pens and umbrellas. He has his assassins spray people with deadly chemicals. I have always taken the easy way out, which is to totally ignore the threat posed by countries with a nuclear capability' Photo: Wong Maye-E/AP
Billy Keane

Billy Keane

The Man Who Knows Everything tells me Kim Jong-un has missiles at the ready to bomb the United States. "All he has left to do is to pick the colour of the paint," my acquaintance says.

I have the misfortune of meeting him in the betting shop while I'm researching the Aintree Grand National. The Man Who Knows Everything has the inside track on North Korea, which gives him the edge over the CIA, FBI and MI5, who hadn't the faintest notion Mr Kim was going to drop missiles in the Sea of Japan.

The know-all lets it be known he has a tip for today's Grand National. I ask him not to tell me. He is the worst tipster in the world but if someone gives me a tip, I just back it. In case he wins.

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