Behold the foolproof diet - involving one exercise that you do sitting down
Published 04/01/2016 | 02:30
There will be a glut of diets in the next week or so. The usual pictures will appear in all the papers of a man, or most probably a woman, wearing his or her pulled-out old elasticated trousers.
The caption might read 'Mary Slim lost 7 stone by eating our beetroot diet'.
People are gone mad for beetroot. Time was when the cattle wouldn't eat it. The beetroot-stained teeth and lips also provide a handy excuse for those of you who are too fond of the red wine.
The picture in the paper will either show a before-and-after shot or a pulled-out pants pic. There will be room enough inside the pulled out pants for a large lover, his piano and a small JCB.
Months back, in the time before the diet, the recoil might have killed her, but now the old baggy pants falls to the floor, revealing a bikini bottom barely big enough to hold a couple of medium-sized turnips or even beetroot.
But it's all good, once she's happy - but the pressure on the rest to keep up can be terribly depressing. The quest for perfection is an impossible one because no one is perfect. Our bodies seem to cause us so much unhappiness.
Like many of you, I've put on a few pounds over the Christmas but soon enough the weight will fall off me like needles from a Christmas tree. For I have discovered a foolproof diet that involves only one exercise, and you do it sitting down.
But we will come to our diet and exercise regime later on in this piece. The dual plan is certain to succeed and you can do this simple-but-highly-effective, easy-as-you-please, weight-loss programme in your own kitchen, which might seem like a strange place to start a diet.
I had a peep into a fridge over Christmas and the light was covered by the mountain of food. It was like a lunar eclipse but the only way to beat your fears is to take them on, unless you are afraid of bears, out-all-day drunks and the like. In that case, I would say leave well alone.
The thing though about diets is very often the people who lose the bodyweight of a rugby prop can look drawn and haggard. Now all the studies show being overweight is bad for us. The old seanfhocail goes: "Big belly and too much telly, makes us feel very unwell".
There are practical tips that will help you lose a stone almost immediately. The feel-good factor kicks off the New Year in great style. First though we have to ask a question. Do you weigh yourself clothed or naked? I think the answer for most of you is clothed. So you put on the winter woollies and wellies and stand on the scales. Check your weight. Then take off your clothes and stand on the scales again. You look down at your toes and there before you is operation transformation. In two minutes you've lost ten pounds.
There are a number of reasons why women in particular prefer to stay clothed on the weighing scales. The main one is that if their lover walks in the middle of the weighing well, then he will ask for you know what almost every time, it being a well-known fact that men never pass on a potential opportunity.
"This isn't a good time" will be the usual answer. Many women fall out of love not so much with their partners around this time of year but also with themselves, which is kind of sad really in that they should look at the whole person and not just a few extra kilos here and there. There was a time when only women were in danger of suffering from terrible conditions like anorexia and bulimia but for the last ten years or so the fashion and beauty industries have been targeting men.
Many younger lads have grown to detest their own bodies. The older men will pat their beer bellies proudly and say "it cost a lot of money to put that there". The solution is probably somewhere in between the two extremes.
If only we could see ourselves as others do. Most of your friends will judge you on who you are as a person in a holistic way. They will seek out your company for the sense of humour or comforting words or whatever it is that draws our friends to us.
The greatest cruelty of a condition like anorexia is that the suffering see their own bodies like as if it was a reflection in a trick fun-fair mirror. Huge, grotesque and bloated.
We should exercise and watch our weight, but while the dieting is going on we must also keep a sense of perspective.
There are times when a torrent of thoughts take over our heads. A good walk can sort it all out. The problems and cares are put away in their own sock drawers just by the very fact of walking and taking in the fresh air. Problems cause people to eat too much. Solve the problems or accept who we are and why we are the way we are and the overeating will stop.
So that's part of our diet. I know I promised the diet wouldn't even so much as involve the getting up off your seat. But I've noticed most magazines have tricks on the front page around this time of the year. One is a sex reference, like "amazing all night sex", but there's nearly always a miracle diet stuck somewhere on the banner.
So really and truly I used the magazine marketing strategy to suck you in, for your own good.
Our plan works every time.
All you have to do is push your chair back from the table. Unless you have very long hands you will not be able to reach for the food. It works every time, the push-your-chair-back-from-the-table diet, that is. Seriously.
In the meantime, slim back on the negativity about your own body. Love who you are as a person. All you're doing then is agreeing with all those who love you.
They can't all be wrong.