A guide to the intricacies of the female form from a thoroughly 'modern man'
Published 07/09/2015 | 02:30
Women are trying to do away with men. The evidence is compelling. The invention of the female orgasm tablet was the final straw. We are doomed. Doomed, I say.
I suppose we only have ourselves to blame. Men, that is. For years, the Irish definition of foreplay was "pull across the curtains".
Then you phone the lads down in the pub to tell them you won't be long. And make sure you say to tell the barman to start a nice creamy pint of Guinness. "Sure won't it be settled by the time I'll be done here with herself."
The mighty lover gives his all for the full three minutes, about the time it takes a pint to get pulled, rested, topped up and settled.
I often wonder is that the reason why Irishmen only take the bare three minutes to make love.
Although I'm not too sure if there's much love involved in a physical enterprise lasting no longer than the time it takes for a pint to travel from tap to lip.
Are we somehow subconsciously programmed to give three minutes to most matters involving partners, such as serious talks and the like?
Serious talks as in when the woman asks the man to come down to the room in the house no one goes. Men dread serious talks in the room no one uses. The worry room, they call it.
Maybe if the men gave more time listening to their partners' concerns, well then we wouldn't be about to be made redundant.
So here's what's going to happen in the future - but the future is now. The pill is almost ready to go on the market. I'll bet there was no shortage on volunteers for the clinical trials.
The new woman will buy a nice bottle of red, a packet of Mariettas and sit herself down by the fire, all on her own.
Then she'll pop an orgasm pill as she gets a fierce fit of laughing at the pathetic efforts of her previous boyfriend to find the G-spot. She only dated him because he was a mechanic and thought, wrongly, that because of his expertise in servicing the internal combustion engine, he would have no bother at all in figuring how to best figure the inner workings of a woman.
I know that by now the 77.3 million men, or thereabouts, worldwide, who read this column with a view to learning more about themselves and their mates will have labelled me a traitorous wretch who panders to women.
But I say better a panderer than a philanderer and here's one, or even two for ye now, boys.
Do ye take golf lessons? And by any chance did any of ye ever go down to the local community college of a winter's evening to do a night class on motor maintenance? And would you keep the dog up on your lap for ages rubbing him and stroking him and rubbing again and talking to him in baby voice and saying stuff like 'Who's a good fella?' and 'Aren't you my best friend?' and would you buy him treats like tasty bits of meat and the like?
Well would you?
Go on now.
Tell the truth, and would you give hours to studying the horses round Cheltenham time?
I even heard tell of a man who learned how to knit off old Woman's Ways.
Okay, so we've established that men take the time to be affectionate to dogs and to learn all about how complex machines work and to study car manuals and the like and to read the assembly instructions in Mandarin for making up of hard-to-fix-up stuff like trampoline-type things for the kids.
Well how many of you have taken up orgasm-giving lessons? None, I'd say.
It's like the horrible, horrible old misogynist joke: "How do you give a woman an orgasm?" And the answer: "Who cares?"
And don't go saying ye would if they were available in the community college. Because if enough men kicked up enough of a fuss, the courses would go ahead.
It might not be too late for this year's season of night classes. Maybe you could cancel the 'Mechanics Made Easy' and 'How to Fix Mobile Phones with Dental Floss' courses.
So that's why the female orgasm pill was invented - because men had no interest whatsoever in the female orgasm or how it's made or even where it lives or if it exists at all.
Don't say I didn't warn ye. Fully two years ago in this very column, we did tell ye. We did.
Here's just one line of the column that was completely ignored.
"Most Irish lads think the clitoris is a perennial bloom that thrives in the shade and sandy soil."
I'll bet ye're sorry now. It used to be men were needed for physical labour.
The women nowadays are getting strong again, physically that is. They were always strong mentally.
What with going to the gym and lifting kettle bells, the woman don't need us to put out the bins any more.
As is always the case when a new invention comes in, there was no thought given to economic fall-out.
When the internet was invented, did we ever think that it would close down Main Street? So what about the men and women working in the vibrator factories? Their jobs are surely at risk, although there well be a positive spin in that the wifi might improve. But then that will put the TV and wifi repairers out of business.
Is it too late to have the orgasm tablet banned?
Will men be given one last chance?