BAD, bad Gordon Brown, the baddest man in the whole damn Brussels town. Badder than old King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog.

There's always one. There's always one spanner in the works, just when everything seemed to be going so swimmingly.

The Three Amigos -- Brian Cowen, Micheal Martin and Dick Roche -- had been making increasingly encouraging noises about the tricky business of attaching the Famous Four Guarantees to the defeated Lisbon Treaty.

But then along came the British prime minister Gordon Brown, large spanner at the ready as he began to make warning noises that the demands of the Irish must not upset the delicately balanced European applecart.

With alarm-bells ringing, Brian took up his quill on Wednesday and penned a heartfelt missive to Gordon -- part billet-doux, part-begging letter, part-threat.

He attached it to the parliamentary pigeon's leg and it winged its way discreetly to 10 Downing Street. Sure nobody would ever find out. "Dear Prime Minster," he began, "I am writing to you in strictest confidence ... "

Pride

By the time the Taoiseach's plane landed in Brussels yesterday morning, the letter was circulating merrily around the British and Irish media encamped in the press centre. And it would bring a tear of pride to the eye of famous epistolarians like Jane Austen and Marcel Proust.

Brian had poured out his heart to Gordon. He was worried about the "precise legal form" of the guarantees. 'Guarantee' sounds like a wishy-washy sort of term, the kind of yoke one is given upon buying a new toaster, rather than a word applied to safeguarding the State against challenges to our laws on taxation, neutrality, abortion and workers' rights.

The Taoiseach had another word in mind. Protocol.

Although he has assiduously avoided using the P-word during the lengthy wrangling over the guarantees, he now scattered it about like snuff at a wake. Seven times he mentioned 'protocol'.

He needed a protocol, or else.

"I want to emphasise sincerely, that this is necessary if I am to call, and win, a second referendum," he urged Gordon. "I am asking you to give me the help I need to realise this goal."

However, the Taoiseach was still not actually uttering the P-word when he arrived at his first engagement of the day, a meeting with his new Euro-family, the ELDR, or European Liberal, Democrat and Reform Party at the swanky Palais d'Egmont in the heart of Brussels.

When he was asked on his way in if he would be happy to walk away from the day's meetings with the heads of government with mere guarantees rather than a full-blooded protocol, Brian tied himself in knots to avoid using the expression.

"We're looking to ensure that the political understandings of last December are adequately provided for, as we all want to see the common effort to win another treaty referendum and the concerns the Irish have expressed have been very clearly put; and I'm hoping the solidarity of everyone will be manifest as a result of these meetings," he prevaricated. Was he confident that he would bring home a result? "Yes I am," he insisted. "We're very satisfied with the progress we've been making".

Attention

But everywhere he went, Brian was the centre of attention from the media -- and everyone had only one question for him. Name the date, Brian. Ah go on, go on, go on.

But he had no intention of obliging. Not until he had his guarantees/protocols in his hot little fist.

"Until I'm in a position as leader of the Irish government and satisfied regarding those matters, I'm not in a position to give a date," he informed a disappointed press pack.

Meanwhile, as Gordon arrived for the summit, he had his best poker face on. He wasn't saying if he was kicking up trouble over the P-word or not.

He declared he wanted to "do the right thing by the Irish", but also ensure that the British position isn't changed "in any way" by the Paddy Protocols.

So, by the evening, nobody was quite sure if the wheels were coming off the deal or whether it was full steam ahead.

Micheal Martin was sent out to soothe troubled reporters, and was in 'crisis-what-crisis?' mode. "There'll be further bilateral meetings this evening," he said serenely. "And hopefully then we'll have white smoke."

But not everyone is eager to hear the cry of "Habemus Protocolus".

New MEP Joe Higgins was also in Brussels, and took part in a debate on the treaty.

"What we will witness at the European Council today is an elaborate charade," he warned.

"The so-called guarantees are simply designed to throw dust in the eyes of ordinary people in Ireland, to give them the impression that something fundamental has been changed in the Lisbon Treaty compared to 12 months ago. Absolutely nothing has been changed -- not a dot, not a comma in the same document," he stated.

Guarantees. Protocols. Joe Says 'No'. Brian Says 'Yes'. Rows. wrangles, debates and discussions.

Oh yes -- Lisbon is back. It's going to be a long, long summer.