My Week: Aloysio Falcao*
Published 28/08/2016 | 02:30
MONDAY: Ola, ola, ola, and what 'ave we aqui? Don't mind me, that's just my little gracejo. That's "joke" in Portuguese. I'm told that you Irlandes are fond of a good laugh, as can be seen from your election results.
Your part of the mundo has produced so many great comedians - Dave Allen, Dermot Morgan, Dara O Briain, Brendan O'Carroll of Senhora Brown's Meninos fame… well, tres out of quatro ain't bad.
As lead policia investigator here in Rio against Olympic Council presidente Pat Hickey, I need to know as much as I can about the land he comes from.
However long it takes, I am determined to bring this inquiry to a successful conclusao. I am highly educated. I have more diplomas and degrees than your Charlie Haughey had Charvet shirts. I bring to everything I do a deep and serious commitment to vardade, justica and the Brazilian way.
What I have discovered so far is that there are great similarities between our two countries. We are, por exemplo, both people who adopted the language of our former colonisers.
We both love music and song. We gave the world samba. You gave it Crystal Swing, though in your case, the world did instantly try to give them back.
There are some minor differences. In your country, I am told that the policia usually gather evidence first and then arrest the suspect.
Here, we tend to do it the other way round. Evidence takes a long time to collect. It's much better to do that when you already have a guy in custody that you can use it against.
TUESDAY: I call the Irish media to tip them off about all the latest news, together with other important details from Senhor Hickey's smartphone, such as his Spotify playlists and Suduko scores. They can't get enough of this merda. They send a camera crew over right away.
WEDNESDAY: Apparently, there has been a big carnaval going on in some parts of Irlanda since Senhor Hickey's arrest. It's weird to see messages of support on Twitter from people in Dublin who'd be picketing the UK Embassy if the Brits tried to hold an Irish person for more than 72 hours on such insuficiente evidence. They seem to think we're cleaning up the whole planeta when our public figures are actually much more corrupt than any of your lot. Ironico.
This is a country whose policia have killed more people in the last five years than the US has in the past 30, even though we have a population half the size, but so many of you over there are prepared to overlook these little mistakes and concentrate on the big picture.
Like the fact we locked up a rich old man you don't like and gave you a temporary thrill. I find this bizarro, but it is not my place to judge your strange ways.
THURSDAY: I am wanted on the telephone. Urgent call from Irlanda. Homem by the name of Joe Duffy.
He must be important as he immediately starts interrogating me as to why we arrested such an important pillar of your community.
From his imperioso tone, and the way he presumes to speak on behalf of the people, I guess he must be leader of the country.
I think maybe he has the wrong end of the proverbial stick. Does he think I am "commissioner" in the same way as your big boss woman Noirin O'Sullivan?
A commissioner here is more like one of your detective superintendents. Only with snazzier suits.
He keeps asking do I have actual evidence against Senhor Hickey. I assure him we're working 24 hors a dia to find some and I'm sure some will turn up eventually.
Then he asks if I've been in contact with the government or policia in Dublin. I say no, but it's not a bad idea. Oi, meninos, why didn't we think of that?
Later, I learn it was actually a government-sponsored project called Livewhine which was set up to give lunitacos a place to call when they need to get something off their chests.
There is a grande stink as some listeners call up to complain that he was far too rude to me, but I am big man, I can take it and I hear there are far worse horrors on this show, including a form of mass torture known as 'Funny Friday'.
FRIDAY: Senhor Pat's lawyers are back in court. His family are concerned about his health and want him moved to casa arrest, rather than a maximum security prison. I have no objection to this, as he's about as likely to stand trial on these charges this side of the next Olympics as I am to get an invitation to his homecoming party in Dublin when we finally admit we have nada and let him go.
I'm more concerned about who should play me in the forthcoming movie of this affair. They're calling it Bolas De Aco, aka Balls Of Steel for the Hollywood market. It's all about a handsome young idealistic policeman in one of the world's most corrupt countries who decides the best way to help millions at risk from poverty, drugs, gang warfare and police brutality is to intestigate ticket sales.
Watch his enemies scatter as his bolas clang together! Hear them chant his name in the favelas! I'm thinking Antonio Banderas. What do you say, Irlanda?
*As imagined by Eilis O'Hanlon