Lise Hand: Purified poop for the 'price of a pint' but the Brigade's still giving out yards
NOPE. They're still not happy. Even if -- along with slashing the registration fee by a whopping 45 scoots -- Phil 'Fiver' Hogan threw in a box of Roses and free entry to a draw for a fortnight's holiday on the Algarve, the Septic Tank Brigade would still be giving out yards.
Never mind that the roars of protest over the new septic tank laws succeeded in an abrupt U-bend, sorry, U-turn from Big Phil Hogan, the man now saddled with the glamorous moniker of Minister for Septic Tanks, who confirmed yesterday that the fee would now be a mere €5 as opposed to the proposed €50. Never mind that city-slickers have become far too familiar for their own comfort with hitherto exotic terms such as "de-sludge" and "grey water".
Never mind all that. Deputy Mattie McGrath, Commode-ant in Chief of the Septic Tank Brigade, is still on the warpath.
There's no other word for it, but there was a heap of shite-talk during Leaders' Questions, as the Taoiseach attempted to sell Fiver Phil's sudden giveaway to a suspicious opposition.
It being Leaders' Questions, Mattie was muzzled, and so it fell to Gerry Adams to quiz Enda about the matter in the Dail.
"Hundreds of thousands of rural dwellers still face the prospect of punitive bills for the upgrading or replacement of septic tanks," he complained.
"Do you accept, Taoiseach that this discriminates against rural dwellers? It's an attack on them and rural communities."
Enda was clearly weary of the whole sorry mess, and with a slightly strained air of jollity attempted to extract his Government from the doo-doo by insisting that the whole tank registration lark was now a bit of a bargain.
"I'm quite sure you're not going to have people splutterin' into their pints and saying, 'oh God, I shouldn't have bought this -- I should have registered the septic tank instead. For less than the price of a pint in many establishments, you can register the fact that you are a septic tank owner," he declared.
Begob, but Enda must sup pints in some quare posh establishments altogether, if he gets no change from a fiver...
Mattie had been straining at the leash. But he couldn't stand quiet for long.
"You shouldn't be making jokes," he barked at the government benches.
But then a short while later the shouting got underway in earnest. Junior minister Dinny McGinley decided to join in. "You're a fraud!" he roared at Mattie, who leapt out of his seat as if he'd been electrified.
"Take that back! I won't take that from anybody!" he bellowed in outrage.
Enda couldn't help but get in a dig too. "Far from the evidence of the hysterical ranting of Deputy Mattie McGrath and Deputy O Cuiv, this is a common-sense approach. . ." He began, but once again, there was a snort of derision from Mattie. "It is not common sense, it is a climb-down."
"Take a laxative, Mattie," suggested Pat Rabbitte none too kindly.
That Commode-ant had his number. "The Government side would want a box of them," he snapped back.
Bob Geldof was right. Banana Republic. Septic Isle.
- Lise Hand
Irish Independent
