Getting behaviour back on track
Counsellor Anne Burke explains how sex addicts can gain control over their compulsions
SEXUAL addiction has been topical in the news of late, with people such as Tiger Woods having being treated for it after the revelations of numerous affairs. Many years ago, actor Michael Douglas hit the headlines in relation to his sexual addiction and the impact that it was having on his life.
It is interesting to see the various responses to something like sex addiction. People who have experienced it know what a devastating impact it can have on their quality of life, while others can be fairly dismissive -- thinking that it is only an excuse for indulging in too much sexual behaviour because "that's what men do". However, it is not just men who become addicted to sex; women do too, although they don't seem to have to hit the headlines as much.
Addiction has been defined by renowned author on addiction and recovery, Dr Patrick Carnes, as an illness where the addict attempts to obliterate, medicate or ignore reality; the alternative would be to let themselves experience their emotions, which may be difficult especially if they are feeling hurt, worried, lonely or overwhelmed by anxiety.
For the person who is battling a sex addiction, sex becomes the priority; it is put before partners, families and friends, with no sacrifice being too big. It is used as an escape where the addict may feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness; it often begins with the obsession of distorted fantasies and risky behaviours.
Internet pornography can be an area that is particularly difficult for people who are dealing with a sexual addiction. Pornographic websites can be accessed 24 hours a day, with pretty much any sexual fantasy available, and often the addict can deny that there is a problem because they feel that they are not doing anything wrong; it is a virtual world and therefore isn't real.
Before long, friendships and relationships may suffer, work issues can arise and the addict may find that they are becoming more and more isolated, spending more and more time on the internet.
All addicts get caught up in what is known as the addiction cycle, a repetitive cycle that starts with preoccupation (which is obsessing about sex in this case), and the obsessions become intensified by the use of ritual.
The addict who is about to engage in watching pornography on the internet may start to get excited by the whole sense of setting up the computer, switching it on, browsing; in fact, we could compare it to the cocaine addict who takes a thrill in setting up the lines of cocaine, or the heroin addict who gets ready to inject themselves, the build-up of excitement taking hold each step of the way. Rituals can induce a trance-like state that have the effect of separating the person from reality, and the ultimate result is that the addict reduces their ability to stop their behaviour.
The addict is driven by a compulsive behaviour that leads to a sexual acting out, regardless of the consequences. Once the act is over, the addict can often feel ashamed and promise themselves that they will not repeat the behaviour. However, the addict may become depressed, lonely and feel a sense of hopelessness which will bring them back into wanting to escape these very feelings, and they can start to obsess again in order to give themselves relief -- thus the addictive cycle begins.
To bring this a step further and explore how an addiction can develop, take a child who grows up in an environment that is dysfunctional. Some of the underlying messages that they may receive when they are growing up would include not to trust what they are feeling, and not to talk about what is happening; they may feel alone, anxious and frightened, with no support at hand to help them deal with their emotions. The impact of these underlying messages is that, as we grow and mature into adults, we may have no idea of how to cope with our emotions and we may have difficulty trusting in ourselves and in our ability to cope with crises or even with general day-to-day living.
In order to ease their emotional turmoil, people often look for something that will offer them relief or give them a quick fix; things such as sex, alcohol, food and drugs offer this temporary break, and that is where the addictive behaviour may take hold.
In working with the sex addict, what we hope to achieve is that they develop skills to help them to take control of their addiction, that they gain some understanding of how they have developed their addiction and that they learn to develop an emotional awareness to enable them to cope better with living.
We also work on gaining some insights around developing healthy sexual behaviour and understanding and knowing what that is. For example, people have varying views on pornography. For some it is an acceptable pastime, while others may have a strong moral objection to it. However, what we as therapists are interested in is helping and supporting the client to gain control over their compulsive behaviour which is having a negative impact on their lives.
In November 2009, the Centre for Sexual Addictions
(CSA) in Dublin hosted Ireland's first Sexual Addiction Conference, entitled "Sexual Addiction -- Irish Problems, Irish Solutions?" The conference was attended by many different people who have been impacted by sexual addiction in one way or another. We had speakers from many different organisations who provided information on the impact of sexual addictions on relationships, families and the individual; we also explored the area of dual diagnosis, where people may be battling with sexual addiction along with another addiction such as alcohol or drugs.
We heard about the treatments that are available to addicts; we explored thoughts and experiences on sexuality, sexual behaviours and how the issue of sex and sexual matters are still difficult for people to discuss openly, although it does seem that we are getting better at being more open about this issue.
One of the main reasons for this conference was to provide people with a safe forum to be able to access information and get support in dealing with sexual addiction. The CSA website was set up in 2000 and provides information and a list of therapists who can offer support and help in dealing with the issue of sexual addiction.
Anne Burke is a psychotherapist/counsellor and director of Johnstown Therapy Centre, Dun Laoghaire, Co Dublin; www.johnstowntherapy.com; nfo@johnstowntherapy.com; www.csa-addictions.ie
Originally published in
