Don't let mere money mangle your marriage
Money and emotions are strongly linked, and we need to address this if we are to avoid rowing over finances, says Carol Hunt
ACCORDING to British research, you are seven times more likely to divorce a partner than change banks.
Amazing. No wonder all those directors were laughing all the way to, eh, the bank. They were confident that, no matter how irresponsibly they behaved, we would still stay with them 'til debt do us eventually part -- them for better; us for considerably worse.
So, what is it with most of us and finance? Why do we treat it with such kid gloves that we're afraid to give even the most incompetent of bank managers the heave-ho?
Last week, researchers from Reader's Digest marked out five different approaches in the way we view money. Not surprisingly, most of us were classified as financial "amblers" -- drifting through life not worrying about bank balances until reality, or the current recession, hits.
But in the present climate, we can't afford to be complacent about what little cash we have left.
Which is why, earlier last week, I visited a "financial risk analyst". The point of this visit was to enable myself and the other half to assess our attitude to "risk" and enable us to work together to maximise our "assets" in ways that would help both of us to achieve our desires. The fact that we possess few to zero assets didn't put our assessor off -- seemingly, the right sort of debts, in the right hands, are actually assets. Hmm.
But we went along with it and filled out the questionnaire that would tell us whether we were financial "amblers" or "gamblers". We were both assessed as being moderate (me) to high (him) risk-takers who view the idea of risk as an opportunity. As a couple, we were more or less on the same "risk tolerance" page. I have no idea how "amblers" married to "gamblers" manage their finances without resorting to counselling, alcohol or hard drugs.
So, we're both gamblers, or at least we would be if we had anything to gamble with.
But the most interesting fact that we learned was not just how many times we failed to make rational decisions where investments or property were concerned, but how we failed to even realise that what we thought was a logical decision was in fact being propelled by emotions that we weren't consciously aware of.
You may think you're in charge of your finances, but nine times out of 10 it's your unconscious that's in the driver's seat.
Most of us know that financial problems are a major cause of friction between couples, but what is extraordinary is how little we are prepared to educate ourselves about the connection between emotion and money, and how it affects our relationships.
Money is not just a commodity: it's fraught with layers and layers of meaning. When couples have problems, it's usually because of a power imbalance. And because men are still the higher earners, they are more likely to say that the higher earner should have more say when it comes to spending. This leads to a power struggle that can result in marital strife and, ultimately, separation, without either partner understanding what it was that caused the discord.
So, where most couples fall down is in failing to realise the extent to which emotion is tied up with finance.
When we lose money, the side of brain that is associated with death and great loss is activated. We view it as a huge blow. But the same isn't true when we gain a similar amount. When that happens, we view it as mildly pleasant, but it doesn't activate the emotional areas of our brain that deal with love and great happiness. So, while a loss of money can make us depress- ed, a great gain will not necessarily make us happier. This could also explain why couples are accessing counselling in unprecedented numbers.
There are four main problem areas in how couples approach money.
Once the romance in a relationship is brought down to earth with worries about mortgages, childcare, etc, the power balance shifts, and in many cases not enough attention is paid to recognising and dealing with this shift.
Second, couples rarely talk about their wants in relation to money and how they are going to support each other in relation to these wants, because, when they do, power struggles emerge -- especially if one earns more than the other -- and they fight.
Problem number three then follows as couples avoid discussing money (because it leads to conflict), and they either do nothing about growing wealth together or addressing debt.
Fourth, the couple eventually realise that they must "do something" about their finances -- but, because they haven't investigated their emotional attitude to money in any depth, they make decision which do not suit both their needs and they're back to problem two (fighting), with knobs on.
Our attitude to money says a lot about our upbringing. Our desires, what we think we deserve, what our parents did, all play a great part in how we cope with managing finance. We need to understand that how we deal with money (earning, saving and spending it) often has deep emotional roots that have to be discovered, understood and then adopted to their best use.
It doesn't take a great deal of intellectual ability to handle money, but it does take emotional intelligence -- especially if you want to avoid the biggest marital expense of all: the divorce court. So take the plunge, get emotionally educated, and change your bank, not your partner.
