COME FLY WITH ME!
Three of Ireland's leading yogic flyers joined me on a foam mat. I sat motionless with my legs crossed, ready for take-off. Check knees! Check arms! We have lift-off.
By flying over the floor of the Mespil Hotel in Dublin 4, we could do our bit to tackle the violence in the Middle East, reduce crime and even give a much-needed boost to the health service.
I was there in my stocking feet, somewhat nervous, at the invitation of Dr Joe Hayden, an electronics engineer, who has announced plans to set up a University of World Peace in Dublin.
Dr Hayden and his friendly group are followers of the Maharishi Mahish Yogi, the bearded and apparently immortal 'giggling guru' who once inspired the Beatles. This week the yogic flyers took out newspaper ads seeking 240 'founders of invincibility' in Ireland.
By meditating for a certain period each morning and evening, and ultimately taking off as yogic flyers, we have been told that these volunteers can "create coherence in the collective consciousness of the country". Goodness knows, with half the Cabinet down at the Galway Races, we need some coherence.
If enough people take part, according to Dr Hayden, we can all improve our quality of life. Perhaps it is a price worth paying.
The preparation for lift-off began with meditation. I sat with my eyes closed in the hotel conference room, the sort of place that normally houses meetings of accountants: the sounds of traffic, sirens and street hubbub melted into the background.
Few scientists doubt that this Transcendental Meditation technique can help people achieve inner peace and relieve stress. Corporations such as Toyota and IBM have sent staff on TM courses as a way of improving their job performance. Creating peace on a global scale and abolishing hospital waiting lists are perhaps a little more onerous, however.
Half an hour after my meditation began, my mind began to wander. But all of a sudden, the first yogic flyers started to move across the floor in a rapid bouncing motion.
Still in the lotus position, Noel O'Neill from Monkstown and John Burns from Blackrock hopped like over-sized, serene frogs from one side of the mat to the other. In a somewhat crowded airspace, where mid-air collisions are quite possible, they were joined by Des Gerrett, an actor from Kildare.
Pausing for sharp intakes of breath and turning, they carried on "flying" with their eyes closed. In an advanced state of meditation, yogic flyers claim that they can achieve levitation, hovering above the ground.
Sceptics remain unconvinced, however, and have derided the practice as "glorified bum-hopping".
I was still waiting like a jumbo on the runway with little sign of involuntary levitation. This was hardly surprising, as advanced yogic aviation skills take years of dedicated practise.
If I was going to lift off into the Dublin 4 atmosphere - possibly causing puzzlement to bemused American tourists down in the hotel lobby - it would have to be through strenuous effort and sheer hard work.
Joe Hayden had warned me to mind my knees. Yogic Flying can result in knee injuries, and I began to worry about my employer's insurance cover.
With an overwhelming effort, however, I managed to lift my backside off the mat for a period of time that may have been a fraction of a millisecond. It could not be described as a long haul flight - and it was definitely economy rather than first class - but at least I was airborne.
I did not feel the sense of euphoria felt by more frequent yogic flyers; but that can only come after long periods in an otherworldly state above the ground.
Dr Hayden, who describes himself as the President of the Financial Capital of Ireland, believes this type of activity will benefit the whole population of Ireland, increasing "positivity, integration, health, wealth and wisdom".
The claims made by the Irish yogic flying fraternity are extravagant. According to one of the promotional brochures circulated here, this unorthodox form of aviation results in:
* Decreased car accidents;
* Reduced inflation and unemployment;
* Lower cigarette and alcohol consumption.
Yogic flying might also be considered as a solution to our public transport difficulties.
Paul McCartney was at one time so impressed by the Maharishi's techniques that he made the stunning announcement that the Beatles had given up drugs.
"We don't need it any more," said the singer of the band's drug-taking habit. "We think we're finding new ways of getting there."
In the current Israeli-Hizbollah war, yogic flying has been put forward as a way of solving the conflict.
A former Israeli army colonel Reuven Zelinkovsky announced last week that he plans to throw a "shield of invincibility" around Israel by sending out a squadron of yogic flyers. He said peace could be won if the flyers took off simultaneously.
Even the sceptics who shoot the claims of yogic flying out of the sky might agree that the activity can be an agreeable form of exercise. Aficionados have been known to hold flying competitions. Among the popular events are 25-metre hurdles, long jump, high jump, and a 50-metre hop.
Dr Joe Hayden hopes to gather together his 240 "founders of invincibility" in the coming weeks. My short-haul flight may have done little to adance the cause of global peace but, if the full squadron gets off the ground, we should see a considerable improvement in the Irish quality of life by the autumn.
