Celia Larkin: Feminazis should take note: there's life after infidelity
Postmodern feminism means freedom to choose even if it angers the masses, writes Celia Larkin
"The heart has its reasons that reason knows not of ... " -- Blaise Pascal
Shame on those who criticise the readers of Terrafemina for selecting Anne Sinclair, Dominique Strauss-Kahn's wife, as France's Woman of the Year. Shame on those -- particularly women -- who condemn her for staying with him.
It's outrageous, this idea that if a woman, of her own free will, stays with someone widely regarded as a sexual philanderer, then she must have something deeply wrong with her. Anne Sinclair is a smart, decisive woman. Not a victim. She is not a person whose future career or financial security depends on the man in her life. She is truly an autonomous individual who has chosen to stay with the man accused of sexual misconduct. An affront to feminism? Not at all.
Feminism is supposed to be about being free to be what you want to be. Where in the feminist handbook does it say that love must be conditional on the person you love being approved of by the national or international consensus? Where does it say equality lies in abandoning a life friendship, turning your back on someone because they have been accused of behaviour that, if true, is in itself appalling, yes, but actions for which Dominique Strauss-Kahn has never been convicted in a court of law?
What happened to the "Hate the sin, but love the sinner" approach? Where's the liberation in being dictated to about what's acceptable or not acceptable in the terrifying complexity of any close relationship? Where's the authenticity in abandoning a relationship because it doesn't play well in international media?
No marriage is perfect. No relationship is free from its watershed moments. Anne Sinclair's watershed moments have happened in public, in the most squalid of contexts, yet she stands by Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Brave is the woman who goes with her instinct, her gut feeling, her inner voice, rather than pander to the will of the masses. Anne Sinclair, from the outset, has pleased herself -- when it would have been so much easier to please others.
If you believe in women's rights as I do, then you must believe in the right of any women to stand up for herself and do the unpopular thing. The right to stand by your friend, life partner, family member.
Significantly, though, world media came closest to sympathy for Anne Sinclair in the beginning, imagining the inevitable mortification she must have felt when her relationship was plastered all over the world media, with every accusation, every whispered innuendo laid bare for the gossip vultures to pick over with no thought to separate fact from fiction. Back then, she came close to instant victim status. All she had to do was go with the flow, condemn him and leave him, and the world would have adored her. Instead, she stayed silent and stayed with him, seeking no support, looking for no sympathy, sharing no outrage. We can assume she has a complex relationship with Dominique Strauss-Kahn, but that's all we can assume. How shallow life would be if everything was black and white, no shades of grey. It's not, and thank God for that.
How many of those jumping up and down could withstand the heat of the spotlight on their own relationships? How many have chosen not to divulge the details of a domestic incident to their family purely because to do so would have required action they were just not prepared to take? Not wanting to lose face, they keep the incident under wraps. If nobody knows, then it's OK.
Strong is the woman or man who can face public embarrassment and humiliation while continuing to plough their own furrow.
Cynics accused Hillary Clinton of minding her own political career by staying with Bill after the Monica Lewinsky scandal. They found a pigeon hole in which to slot her, an excuse for her to stay with her husband, an explanation for her actions. However, it's not possible to find a similar excuse for Anne Sinclair. She is a woman of considerable wealth in her own right. A woman of substance and respect with a career where she had nothing to benefit, in fact, had everything to lose, from her association with Dominique Strauss-Kahn. No easy get-out clause there for the feminist fraternity.
People are pair-bonded, emotionally intertwined and mutually supportive over and above financial dependence and sexual fidelity. (And, let's be clear, emotional infidelity can be far more devastating to a relationship than sexual infidelity.) For some, sexual infidelity is a deal-breaker, and if it is, so be it. But that doesn't mean everyone must abide by the same rules. For others, infidelity is devastating, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking but not fatal. For some there is a life after infidelity.
Should the wives of those men recently accused of soliciting the services of prostitutes in Limerick be bullied into leaving their marriages for the sake of some notion of 'propriety' if they have any possibility of, or wish to, work it out between themselves and continue their relationship into the future?
Was Diane de Burgh wrong for staying with her marriage after the public humiliation of her husband's affair?
How many marriages that weathered the storm of infidelity would have done so if the matter had become public knowledge?
Yes the law has a duty to interfere in any relationship if an individual is in danger, but as a general public, we have no right to pass judgment on an individual because they chose to stay with their life partner.
Anne Sinclair sought no support from the masses. Looked for no award for her conduct. Made no excuse for her husband's conduct. She just kept her mouth shut and saved her breath for ( if she is anything like the rest of us), very vocal objections away from the public gaze, I presume.
That feminism should be used as a stick to beat Anne Sinclair with is unacceptable. Postmodern feminism is about having freedom of choice, true freedom of choice. And if the majority of readers of Terrafemina have sympathy for her predicament and choose to vote her 'woman of the year' what gives anybody the right to say they are wrong?
- Celia Larkin
Originally published in
