News Analysis

Thursday 28 August 2014

Brendan O'Connor: Bare truth about The Weather

Brendan O'Connor

Published 14/07/2013 | 05:00

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We are heading into unprecedented territory here. "The Weather", as it is known, has now been with us for more than two weeks. All kinds of strange things are happening.

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For example, at some point during this time it became acceptable for men to walk around our towns and cities topless. There are many other crimes too, too numerous and distasteful to list here, involving lower butt cheek that was never meant to be shared with the wider world.

The equation roughly seems to be that the longer The Weather goes on, the less clothes you can wear, in more locations. People will be naked at Mass if this continues for much longer, except maybe for a fanny-pack to keep their money for the collection.

We are also getting increasingly blase about it all. Initially, we couldn't bear to be indoors for one second of it. We were barbecuing everything that moved at all times of the day, and all activities were conducted outdoors in case we missed a bit of The Weather.

Some families moved their whole living rooms outside and reconfigured the Sky TV connection in case they missed a bit of the evening sun.

All drinking has, of course, been conducted outdoors, and much extra drinking has been done purely as an excuse to sit in the sun. You can't just sit in the sun with your two hands hanging. That would be pointless wouldn't it?

But people are starting to get cranky now. Okay, they are saying, enough is enough, joke's over. We know we've complained for at least 10 years that we haven't had a good summer since the Seventies, but we didn't mean for this to happen.

We are even starting to do what people do in hot countries, which is to take shelter from the sun. This goes against all our natural instincts to get semi-naked and get out there drinking if the sun appears, because you never know when you might see it again. It is almost as if now we expect it to be there every day.

Even a shocker front page of the Irish Times claiming that the sun was dying can't put us off. If it is dying, it's some funeral, says you.

Mainly, what is becoming apparent is we don't know how to behave in the sun over a prolonged period. The average Irish person can tolerate the sun for precisely 6.2 days. This figure comes from the scientific equation 7dp–2xft+an, which is a seven-day package minus two by flights, transfers and airport nightmare. After that point, it has been shown that people like to stop drinking, get their proper clothes on and start complaining about the weather again.

The complaining about the weather has started again in earnest. The weather is now too hot. Hopefully the cessation of the drinking and resumption of clothes will come soon.

And who knows, the weather may even revert to being seasonably wet and dull. And then normal life can resume and this will all seem like a beautiful, crazy dream where we thought for a few weeks that we could be a different people – nakeder people.

Irish Independent

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