Bisexual nympho will liven up Big Brother
Sunday May 27 2007
THIS Wednesday, the eight incarnation of the world's most successful and obsessively addictive reality TV show is back. Big Brother, the show that has given us everything from pregnancy scares to love affairs, Nasty Nick to Neurotic Nicky, Jade Goody to Jade Baddy, is expected to last 13 weeks in all, with a projected final set for Friday, August 31.
But despite an exciting new series, BB bosses are still blighted by the last instalment of Celebrity Big Brother. In a report that was published on Thursday, Channel 4 was found guilty of "serious editorial misjudgment" over its handling of the racism/bullying debacle. Ofcom, the media watchdog has ordered the broadcaster to make three on-air apologies during the upcoming series. In footage that was never broadcast, Jade Goody, Jo O'Meara, Danielle Lloyd and Jack Tweed, made up a rhyme about Shilpa Shetty in which they joked about using a word which rhymed with 'tacky'. The existence of such events was vehemently denied by Channel Four prior to the Ofcom investigation.
In other BB news, the Australian equivalent has been heavily criticised after a contestant, who has been living in the house for over a month, has not been told that her father died of cancer last week. The producers of the show defended their decision on the basis that it was what the contestant's family wanted.
But, all that aside, what can we expect from the latest chapter of the 'please-make-me-famous' competition? Obviously, producers of the show are remaining tight-lipped but if British tabloids are to be believed, we can expect quite a lot of nookie.
We may even have another Kinga on our hands. For those of you who don't remember, Kinga was a larger-than-life lady who illustrated to the viewing public her penchant for pleasuring herself with a wine bottle.
Apparently, one of this year's contestants is a rampantly bisexual nymphomaniac. The girl, who boasted openly of her sex addiction during auditions, has slept with more than 200 lovers since her teens. Cue the chorus of criticisms from the moral crusaders and the rowdy cheers from the sex-starved men. It is also rumoured that at least half the final line-up are either gay or have bisexual tendencies.
But the biggest shocker this year is that host Davina McCall has finally discovered the world of birth control. This year the 'Big Mutha' isn't sporting her most ubiquitous asset - a pregnancy bump. It is rumoured that the 39-year-old presenter, who has been with the show since its inception, will quit after BB8.
I'm sure this year's offering will be as action-packed and entertaining as ever, provided BB supply us with the usual mix of eccentric, bigoted, moronic, loud and foul-mouthed exhibitionists.
As always we can expect some ditzy dollies and budding glamour models who will look on their BB experience as the perfect opportunity to flash some flesh, get their hoo-hahs out and carve out some sort of sleazy Page three career for themselves.
Furthermore, it is believed that one of this year's contestants is a devout burqa-wearing Muslim. Could BB have another race row on its hands?
Due to new legislation in England, it is looking increasing likely that a smoking ban will be put in place less than half way through the new series. Apparently, health officials have declared the house a workplace, meaning housemates will only be allowed have a puff in the garden. Let's see them try to enforce that one when the fifth bottle of vino has gone down the contestants' necks. You just know they're going to put a few '40-a-day' fiends into the house because as previous shows have demonstrated, there's nothing quite like nicotine deprivation to get tempers frayed. But producers could be fined up to £2,500 if the contestants disobey the no-fags rule when it becomes law on July 1.
And just when you thought the show couldn't get anymore bizarre, BB producers are reportedly planning to hold a real wedding in the house. Housemates (gay or straight) who fall for each other after meeting in the house will be offered an all-expenses-paid lavish wedding.
This year, BB has introduced a confusing house design with nothing quite as it should be. In the nauseatingly colourful new home, the bath is in the living area, the oven in the bedroom and the fridge in the garden. Meanwhile, the housemates' swimming pool has been extended so that it's partly indoors.
You know you shouldn't watch Big Brother but sometimes you just can't help it - the innuendo, the exhibitionism, the misery, the bickering, the cheap grabs for attention, the trashy, inane language and the obtuse topics of discussion make for compelling, often humorous viewing. Such is the genius of Big Brother that within a short period we will be exposed to the petulance and follies of the contestants.
Sadistic, yes perhaps, but you have to admit there is an element of pleasure in seeing the self-imposed misfortunes and gross sufferings of a concoction of misfits and wannabe celebrities.
Whatever you say about Big Brother - you are always guaranteed that element of surprise. Rumours are rife that billionaire Virgin boss Richard Branson and a famous WAG are both due to make celebrity appearances in this year's series. Branson's company Virgin Media took over sponsorship of the Channel 4 series when Carphone Warehouse dropped out after 'Shilpa Shetty-gate'.
For all you Reality TV-detesting folk, there's really no hiding this summer - so my advice: if you can't beat them, join them.
- Andrea Byrne
