Sunday 4 December 2016

Billy Keane: Coming to a screen near you – my gruesome pie-making tale

Published 19/11/2012 | 05:00

I WAS thinking of making a movie. It's either that or sell a kidney to pay the taxes and the bank and the colleges and the suppliers and the bill I've forgotten about. I doubt if my kidneys are worth very much. Come to think of it, a kidney of mine is probably worth no more than the invisible slice of offal in a steak and kidney pie.

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There should be some sort of legislation covering steak and kidney pies. The ones I tend to get have hardly any meat inside the pastry case. It's all sauce. Now, I know there are wonderful pie makers in this country, artisans, but sometimes you have to dredge the murky gravy in the bad ones to find any meat lurking underneath.

There's an EU law that states sausage makers must print the percentage of pork meat on the back of sausage wrappers. It varies a fair bit. If you've noticed a momentary lack of flow in this piece, it's because I've dashed over to the shops to check. The lowest is about 40pc and the highest is around 70pc. I forget the exact amount because I didn't bring a pen and it's too cold to go back out again.

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